Lone Crusader

Our attitude

2010-04-28T19:00:00.004+08:00

The longer you live,
the more you'll realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude should be more important than facts.
It is more important than the past, the education, the money,
the circumstances, the failure, the successes.
It is more important than what other people think or say or do
More important that appearance, your gift or skills.
It will make or break a company, a church, a home.
A relationship or a friendship.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day.
We cannot change our past.
We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the string we have,
and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you...

We are in charge of our attitude.
We should be!

One of those times...

2010-03-17T18:37:00.003+08:00

Haven't been blogging in a looong time.
Just felt like it. One of those days...

Sometimes I really think I'm one of those people who seem okay being misunderstood.
When I mean okay, actually I'm not.
I understand the need to clear things up.
I really do.
But somehow maybe I just have that strong will that I always believe we are all the same.
And that somehow we would understand each other.
I believe in the goods in people. I really do.
Regardless of all their flaws, I usually look pass them and like those that I like.
And ignore when those flaws appear.
I have faith in people.
What I don't have is the faith that people have in me.
And honestly, when all else fails, it's always yourself to be blame.

Maybe it's because we don't quite understand each other.
What i said wasn't blaming you.
And I'm never just doing things my way.
Sometimes, I do. But I do know when it's time, I'll back off.
But what hurts me the most in the fact that when I was talking/explaining with no judgemental intention at all.
But was taken to be simply because I wasn't composed enough.
Which is why I'd rather not open my acidic mouth.
When I mean not a big deal, I didn't mean it in a way that I don't care.
It's not a big deal to fuss it over with.
It's not a big deal to quarrel over.
It's simply not a big deal.
Because at the end of it, I know everyone's intention is right.
Even when mine may not be.

First entry in months, and I'm super sour. =(
But things happen for a reason.
And I know because I believe that I am here to go through life in the hardest possible way.
Just to appreciate the simplest form of everything.
Sometimes I succeed, but most of the time I don't.

And this is one of those times.

Purpose...

2009-10-14T00:47:00.002+08:00

Purpose is the key to life.
We all believe that we have a certain purpose in life.
That keeps us going.
Without any purpose, there won't be any hope.
Without any hope, there won't be second chances.
For once, I believe in second chances.
I believed it when I got to see my grandfather once more after he passed.
I believed it when my mum sent me here to Singapore.
I believed it when ....
You'll believe what you choose to believe.
Even when there are no hard evidence to back it up.
A believe is so strong, sometimes it could cloud our senses.
And how do we even get serious without any sense?
And there's no sense to life.
You just can't figure it out.
For the better or worse.
We're all senselessly here in this beautiful or messed up world,
With or without a purpose.

I am who I am.
And somehow I can't seem to get you out of my head.
Damnit. Why couldn't I be like anyone else.
Or maybe that's the perks of life.
My perks. My life.

t.u.c.k.e.r.

2009-09-23T02:21:00.005+08:00

I've watched this religiously everyday numerous times for the past month.
And I never got tired of it.
A perfect mix of amazing song, amazing choreography and amazing dancer.
Tucker has never cease to amaze me.
His quality of movement is so unique, I don't know what not to like.
His conviction. His flow. His strength. His control. His versatility.
He's just inhumanly insane.
I may appear a little crazy and obsessed.
But when someone could dance in flip-flops,
I'm ready to kiss on whatever ground he/she steps on.

Now, who's obsessed again? *huge grins*

Grows continuosly....

2009-08-21T04:28:00.002+08:00

Do you always know what you want in life?
Maybe. Maybe not.
The fact is no one could be certain of everything in life.
Being a cynic is all but a choice, an option you could take or not take.
I'm grateful for everything that I have.
I'm also grateful for all the things that I don't have.
Because it allows me to grow continuosly knowing full well that,
I always have something to look forward to.

Dance has been a staple in my life for the past 4 years.
It's so therapeutic that sometimes it hards to explain why.
I may not be able to admit that dance is my passion.
But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it's said or written or carved in in heart.
All it matters is whenever I dance, I get a certain enjoyment out of it.
Be it sharing what I love to everyone else who loves it too.
Be it laughing at myself for coming up with silly movements.
Be it being frustrated for not being able to catch steps.
Be it being scrutinized for things that I can or can't do.
Be it being laughed at and ridiculed for following my dream.
Be it just dance to let my anger/frustrations off.
There's a certain safety net that I can fall onto whenever I get to dance.
Dance is such a universal thing.
Don't get too entangled in yourself.
To improve. To be better. To 'master' a certain style.
To look like so and so.
Dance is communal. It's supposed to be shared.
To enjoy it with everyone else around you.
Once you get too tangled up with all those,
then how do you get a kick out of it?
And don't bring anyone down who has a different opinion as you are.
And never feel down when people have a different opinion.

Share it. Live it. Dance it.
Dance like how and what your body wants you to.

If only....

2009-08-11T16:17:00.000+08:00

Betrayed by the people whom he loves most.
Pushed around by the 2 most important person in his life.
Used by the people whom he cares about.
Ostracized by the people who don't get what he's going through.
Blamed himself for being not knowing how to handle the situation.
~~LIfe's a mystery~~
Life is bullshit....

But these are merely words.
Formed by the countless thoughts and emotions entangling his mind and heart.
All contained in him, not able to let them pass.
To create appropriate actions accordingly.
There's no need for acceptance.
There's no need for approval.
Those are superficial.
All he seeks is living.
Living a life with no superficiality, concerns, cares, love ......
Living a life of 'boredom', so to speak.

Only if I don't have the mind and the heart to think and feel otherwise.
If only....

l.o.v.e...

2009-06-14T02:35:00.003+08:00

Love is such a short and simple word.
But everything else that tag along with it is anything but.

People say love should come from the heart.
But love being a complicated being.
It will tangled up with everything else besides the heart.
And that's when it all gets confusing.
Tangled. Confused.
When you try to find the connection between the heart and the mind.
And of course the body.
Everything else seems redundantly massive.
I don't get how my heart feels so much and my mind thinks so much.
Yet that body part of mine that is fluent in every other aspects of its use could be so extremely useless.
Why can't I godamn speak my mind or my heart or ...?

Love is such a short and simple word.
Yet everything else that tag along with it is anything else but.
Maybe it just have a peculiar way of affecting a life that is so devoid of one.
Or it has finally proven to have been present as of now.
Since it is anything but short and simple.
Love comes with such a great feeling.
And everyone should experience it one way or another.

Back from the Slum: Quick & Random Updates...

2009-06-04T03:02:00.003+08:00

It's the time of the year when busy is an understatement.
With K.O Night ongoing and TBG drawing nearer and nearer.
Countless rehearsals with on-going classes and schools. It's crazzzzzyyyy!!!!
But never dwell on all the negative things.
In a few more weeks, we'll get to perform on stage for TBG!!
And I get to fly to LA and "tucker" away... Wohoooo!
Super duper excited.
Although I still haven't save up enough yet. But who cares...

And I've got this huge itch to do something crazy to my hair again.
And I know I will.. I just don't know what yet.
Inspiration will come I'm sure. Better be soon though.

Also, I've been having mood swings faster than I talk recently.
And it's quite tiring, scary and depressing actually.
Cos it seems like my moods have a mind of its own.
It's just so hard to pull it back and control.
Maybe I need the mental therapy afterall. Urgh....

Weirdly enough, life's been pretty good.
And oddly enough, I'm more open than I have ever been in my entire life.
Although, I don't quite know why was I ever in the dark for whatever reasons.
But it seems like life works in a mysterious way.
And good things happen when you least expected it.
Am I still a cynic on life? Yes and I think nothing can change that.
But at least it's a constant moving graph rather than a plateau.

Classes been really fun.
I have a bunch of 'crazy' yet extremely talented people in my class.
And it's been a pleasure having them. =)
I learn just as much from them and they actually help me push on.
And explore places that I never thought I would ever have with my dance.
So it's been awesome. =)

Lastly, my mum's been really sweet lately.
She's been sending me tons of encouranging smses.
And this time some of it are actually dance-related.
And I don't say this just because I want them to send me money for my trip. Lol
I genuinely think she's been a lot sweeter and more supportive than usual.
So it's good. Or maybe I'm just an extremely sweet talker.
Which I know I could be when I'm left with no choice. *huge grins*

And that's it for now.
Hopefully, I can update again... Soon! =)

live in the present....

2009-04-28T01:53:00.003+08:00

Went for Hei's Open studio class.
Loved it though I don't quite know what exactly I was doing. Lol
But that's not important. Learn, practice and hopefully improve. =P
But kinda miss going for classes with friends and stuffs.
Since that retarted terence was there.
Not only were we crippled and 'defeated' during the warm ups since we can't actually stretch much. Lol
Also made me realize I haven't actually been taking classes with him for god knows how long.
Made me think back of all those NRA classes back in those days.
All the stupid noises and retarted faces we'll pull,
whenever we can't catch any part of the steps.
Fun times.
It's only been a year but it seems like ages since I graduated.
=(

I'm worried. I'm worried that I won't recover fully.
I'm worried that I can't do as much as I used to just because of the fear.
But I don't want to let that affect me.
And I know I will always try my best to not let it affect me.
Still, I'm worried.
But live in the present.
And hopefully, everything will turn out just right for me.
And it has always been. So hopefully my luck won't run out of me.
And since dance has been the only thing that's consistently there for me to make me 'happy' and satisfied. =)

And oh yeah, CONGRATULATIONS to Ryan and Andrea for Baby Travis!!!!!!!
OMG! I can't wait to see him... huahahauahaahhuahua...
A new super dancer has arrived.... Woot Woot! =)

..........Who cares???.......

2009-04-26T02:21:00.002+08:00

Coolio. Eminem's back. I used to really dig his music.
When I'm still in my HipHop/R&B craze.
I'm pretty excited for his new album.
And again, he delivers a fun first single.
And the same old make fun of other celebrities music video of it.
Just like his previous first singles off his other albums.
So here you go.
The usual victims: Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson is back.
With a new addition of Sarah Palin, Kim Kardashian, Amy Winehouse, Elvis, Wacko Jacko's moves, Star Treck and more.

And another comeback I've been anticipating: GREEN DAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Woots woots!
I've heard a few of the new songs. I can't wait for the album.
As for now, I'm gonna spin my dose of Green Day's past hits on repeat.

And life isn't all that bad when there are so many things out there for you to hold onto.
Well, at least until you are bored of them.
Then you have to start from ground zero all over again.
But then.......Who cares....

Quickie....

2009-04-21T15:42:00.003+08:00

This is the 5th trailer from "Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince",
And possibly the best one yet.
Looks promisingly amazing. A fanboy in me is leaping for joy.
I need to see it soon. JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait!!!!!!!

For the first time, most of the characters seem to have their own individual plot-lines going from this trailer.
Possibly the best Harry Potter movie yet.
Hopefully this doesn't disappoint.

And life's pretty non-existent.
But I'm still alive...
So yay!

It's a.... MAD WORLD

2009-04-09T01:51:00.005+08:00

"There was a period of time, when I was in my rebellious/punkish/emoish teenage days, this song was my anthem. It's the kind of song that the lyrics is so powerful, you feel like you're part of what the words were describing and for the longest time, I did. An angry, the-world-is-against-me teenager like me "worships" this song and when I heard Adam is going to sing this, I'm esthatic. And he DELIVERS. He never ceases to amaze me. I've had gooten goosebumps from past Idol performancess, even Adam this season, but never quite like this. I was in a state of trance, focusing on his voice, eyes transfixed on him. He brought me into that world the words describe and brought me back experienced it. This is way too over-the-top even for me, but over-the-top is Adam Lamber. Never have I supported and praised a contestant to this level, not even Kelly Clarkson/Chris Daughtry, Adam is way beyond everyone's league in originality and artistry. I just want to listen to him every freaking minute, ..." read more of my review here.

I haven't listen to "Mad World" for the longest time.
Because it always brought back lots of memories - both good and bad.
Even the good memories have lots of angst in it.
And it definitely is not very clever of me to dig up.
But when something like this comes along,
you got no choice.
Because it sucks you in and throws you out within seconds.
And you're back to ground zero.
Back to where you were.
This was one of my favorite songs ever written back in those days.
And quite possibly still is my favorite.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one new me

Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very mad world
Mad world

Enlarging your world
Mad world

We're all thrown in this mad world.
With no guidebook and no survival kit.
You just have got to live it, learn from it and experience it.
Some better than others.
Some falters and left in the dark places.
We're all running in circles.
And I'm gasping for air.

animosity opens one up without anyone else noticing...

2009-03-28T03:25:00.004+08:00

It's just one of those days which endless gibberish are running through my mind.
I want it to stop, but it ain't stopping.
If this stays one, I might burst tonight. Godamnit. Go away!

People say noone could live alone. Entirely alone.
Company is relevant for one's survival.
I don't disagree with that for the most part.
Because I do think human is always searching for that "perfect" someone as company.
That someone to be a wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend, bestfriend/worstenemy, etc.
And as much as I try not to deal with the 'normal' human behaviour,
I got sucked into it once in a while.
But then I suddenly asked myself.
Am I really looking for someone to be my friend? my soulmate?
Yes, to have someone who understand you unconditionally would take a load off anyone's chest.
Then I realize, that someone will always remain a someone 'else'.
It's an else, not a self.
Then it strikes me.
Maybe, all along all these years, I'm not looking for someone else or anyone for that matter.
I'm just looking for a myself. A parallel me. A "different" yet myself me.
Only then, you could find comfort in believing, trusting whatever relationship and bonds that's been created.
I know it's impossible, that's why life sucks.
That's why noone could truly say their happy with whatever that they have.
That's why noone believes all the mysteries life bring.
That's why I'm miserable on the most part all my life.

Then, I found solace in reading someone else's blogs/journals.
Someone who might be a complete stranger or someone whom I'm not close with.
Reading about their insights on their own life and life in general and the world.
How life/insights could be affected because of all sorts of reasons.
From family background, culture, nationality, race, and so much more.
Those things then bring a certain closeness to them to me indirectly.
Which is really weird because I don't usually feel that way to anyone at all in particular.
Yet that animosity is a way of openning one up when noone else notices.
Life is a mystery but there's nothing to grab hold onto.
While human is also a mystery and might be the biggest mystery of all.
Yet there's a physical thing that we could grab onto.
And that makes it all so exciting and interesting.

Honesty is an issue.
It always has been, it will always be.

Fear always seem to overwhelm logic and sense and almost everything else...

2009-03-23T02:36:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we all wonder how much life brings us to be who we are.
or who we want to be. Or we thought we should be.
Every decisions come with consequences.
Both the positive and the negative.
Should I be who I want to be?
Should I do the things that I had the desire for?
Should I ignore everything and everyone else, or just think of myself?
Think about what all of these will bring me?
Will that include satisfaction? Happiness?

There's so many things in this life that I'm afraid of.
Especially those that couldn't be seen,
yet you felt strongly about all of your life.
It's hard to resist something that is within,
fighting to burst out into the light.
Somehow fear always seem to overwhelm logic and sense.
It is fear that brings the closure, yet the certainty of a normal life.
Fear keeps us mysterious.
And mystery is the key to life.

Take something new in....... SOON!

2009-03-19T02:16:00.002+08:00

Classes were fun today. =)
I've been teaching and teaching every week.
Not that I don't like it, it could be very fun at times.
But I guess I got to take something in.
And I'm definitely looking forward to that L.A trip!
I can't wait....
Tucker.Nick.Ian.Laura.
Urgh..Excited. But still a few more months to go.
=(

American Idol Top 11.
My Thoughts here.

Night, everyone!
Love.

O SCHOOL CHARITY BAZAAR

2009-03-17T18:30:00.002+08:00

O School is organizing a charity bazaar.
From: 18th March 2009 to 23rd March 2009 @ 1pm to 9pm.
So do come down and check it out.
Lots of stuffs from Tops, Jeans, Bags, Caps, Shades, Shoes up for grabs.
All from$5 to $50. =)

All proceedings will go to the Batam Tsunami Victims.
So grab the stuffs you want from some of the instructors' personal belongings.
And do some good as well.

Love,
Fredy

...random ranting...

2009-03-13T19:02:00.005+08:00

Why do bosses always have a negative connotation stuck with them.
I'm sure there are plenty good enough reasons to justify it.

I hate people who only knows how to talk.
I hate people who thinks by talking sweet, things will be okay.
I hate ....

and don't say "Ok" to things that you'll never follow up with.

Quickie Update....

2009-03-13T17:28:00.002+08:00

For those participating in god-knows-what competitions.
There're just too many to keep track now. LOL.
GOOD LUCK and I'm sure you guys will do your best! =)
Will support if I have time..... Love!

American Idol Top 13. My thoughts.
Post is here.

a good night sleep... for "a better tomorrow".

2009-03-11T03:29:00.003+08:00

I'm tired of always putting out a front.
I'm tired of always trying to hold everything together.
I'm tired of always making peace with myself.
I'm tired of always not able to match what my heart feels with what my head says.
I'm basically tired of staying strong.
When I have plenty of good enough reasons to break down.
I don't care if I'm being ridiculed.
I don't care if I'm being stabbed.
I don't even care if people see it as a weakness.
Don't judge me, when you have no idea all the craps that I've gone through.

It seems like I actually really don't have the ability to be happy.
And stay happy. Genuinely happy.
But what can a "strong" boy/man do in darker times like these?
Stay strong and be strong.
Even if your soul have completely left your body.
And of course a good night sleep with the idea of "a better tomorrow".
That might help as well.

American Idol.... First Post!

2009-03-07T22:18:00.005+08:00

"American Idol" has been going at it for about 2 months.
Haven't been really posting anything on it yet.
So here's my first.
Final is next week.
Instead of Top 12, this season decided to have a Top 13.
Yet 3 contestants whom I've come to root for still didn't make it.
Von Smith, Ricky Braddy and Jesse Langseth.
Love their voices and would have well in this competition.
And definitely should be in the Top 13.
More than some of those who have made it.

So Top 13, here are my very quick favorite ranking:

[NOT INTERESTED]

13. Jorge Nunez - Good voice. Not my cup of tea. Won't do well in the competition. Unless the Latins gang up and vote for him every week.

12. Michael Sarver - Decent voice. Reminds me of Josh Gracin. Not finalist material. Gone within the first 2 weeks.

11. Jasmine Murray - I used to love my R&B singers, but she just doesn't do it for me. Boring finalist. Weakest girl, by a mile.

10. Kris Allen - Er. Decent voice. Boyband-ish. Ordinary and bland. Not finalist material. Might do well, won't win!

[ON THE FENCE]

9. Anoop Desai - Fan favorite, but not mine. Decent voice at least he's wittily intellectual.

8. Alexis Grace - Kinda boring. Unless she's coming out with a newfound personality and a more current way of delivering a song. I don't think she'll go far.

7. Scott McIntyre - I like him. Sometimes I get all emotional hearing him sing, especially with his unfortunate condition and back story and all. But his voice doesn't strike me as astounding. But I don't mind him doing well.

6. Lil' Round - Again, I used to love my divas in the competition. But Lil'Round brings nothing new to this diva card. I can name 5 other divas from the past season better than her.

[ROOTING]

5. Megan Corkrey - I don't think she'll do really well in the competition. But I love her. She's definitely the kind of artiste I know I would love. A lil Missy Higgins, Adele, Duffy with Katy Perry mixed in.

4. Matt Giraud - Finally, an artiste singer. What he can do to his piano is beyond amazing. His voice is terrific. Definitely the artiste that I'll support in the long run. That bluesy tone to his voice.

3. Danny Gokey - That backstory of his made me cry for days. Seriously! LOL. He has that rough tone to his voice that I love. Definitely one of the front-runner.

2. Allison Iraheta - And this amazing ranking is based on 1 performance. She sang the hell out of "Alone". Love her and she reminds me of Kelly Clarkson and that is a good thing.

1. Adam Lambert - Season 8's David Cook, but a more dramatic and extremely crazily-talented vocalist. He had such a wide vocal range, it's crazy to hear him sing. A little Freddie Mercury, Steve Tyler mixed in with a little My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way and Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong. Definitely my favorite so far.

=)

don't make this a make-believe

2009-03-04T03:34:00.003+08:00

Take a chance with this life. Put an offer on the table.
If it gets snatched. Take the direction it pulls you in.
Don't give up. Don't give in.
Follow your heart. Follow your dreams.
Reach your goals. Take a risk with your options.
Stand in the middle, And go with what feels right.
Only then, do you have an answer.
The answer to where you are supposed to go with life.
And don't back out.
Take the path with confidence,
And know where you are headed is where you are meant to be.
Don't ever doubt it. Don't ever question it.
Maybe everything will turn out brighter if we were to follow blindly.
Going along with what life would and could give us.

But we, human beings, are clouded with too much flaws and uncertainties.
So much insecurities to really see people/situations as who/what they really are.
We would never be able to see through a genuine heart.
We would never be able to sense a genuine sincerity.
We would never be able to see the bright side of things without going to the dark.
We would never be really satisfied with things.
Simply because we are so caught up in our own judgement.
In our own perception.
But that's how we all usually are.
There's nothing that could be done to change it.
Maybe it could be prevented.
But it takes one hell of an effort to change something within someone.

And I'm still here hoping my believes are not make-believes.
And that life actually offers more than what it already has.
And that we, human beings, are complicated, yet intriguing.

Life's short...

2009-02-24T01:35:00.003+08:00

It seems like yesterday when I was eagerly hoping,
that Heath Ledger would walk up that stage,
and receive that golden man for his portrayal of Ennis Del Mar,
for "Brokeback Mountain".
And when "The Dark Knight" was first announced and his performance raved,
I was eagerly anticipating to be in that situation once again,
hoping and wishing that he would walk up that stage,
and recieve that much deserved golden man.
And he did win it. Yet....

R.I.P Heath.
Your movies will live on.
"The Dark Knight". "Brokeback Mountain". "I'm Not There".
"Candy". "Lords of Dogtown". "Monster's Ball".
"The Patriot". "The Brothers Grimm". "A Knight's Tale".
"Ned Kelly". "Casanova". "10 Things I Hate About You".

Inspiring....

2009-02-12T17:01:00.002+08:00

"Dancing is such a freedom,
You can express emotion if you want,
You can just go for exercise.
And go to have fun with all your friends.
But for me, it was just a way of life at that point.
I just love dancing so much that that's all I wanted to do."
- Tucker Barkley

For all the younglings out there who love to dance.
Work extremely hard now. =)
I'm sad I'm old. LOL.
Still didn't stop me from trying hard....
Cheers....

D.A.N.C.E

2009-02-05T01:16:00.003+08:00

Dance is extremely therapeutic.
Yes, I've had my fair shares of mind block.
I've had my fair shares of complains, whinings, injuries and blah blah.
At the end of the day, I'm just happy to be able to dance.
Be it dancing with people whom I care about.
Be it dancing with people whom I don't quite know yet love dance all the same.
Be it choreographing for classes.
Classes been extremely fun most of the times. So yay.
Only when I'm extremely tired and kinda zoned out.
Still, pretty fun.
There are many people out there who love to dance.
Or so they thought.
No matter what your level of passion is.
Just keep in mind that dancing is NEVER about achieving something.
It's NEVER about proving something.
Being noticed. Being the best.
It's always about self discovery.
It's always about appreciation.
It's always about enjoying the thing that you love to do the most.
Of course there are times when I don't feel like dancing.
Well unless I'm a robot, which I am NOT. =)
But that doesn't take anything away from it.
I love watching people dance.
And grow and improve and have their own set of thinking.
Discovering themselves instead of following a pattern.
I appreciate all kind of people who loves a certain style.
Who wants to try out lots of other styles and blah blah.
At the end of the day, it's not about the styles that you love.
Or the styles that you think you want to be.
It's always about what makes you happy.
And that should always be at the back of any dancers' mind.

In a situation like this,
I'm glad I have dance to keep me sane.
And hopefully it can do the same for years to come.
Because I seriously don't think I could manage such agony if it were to ever repeat again and again in my life.
But I'm glad. Not happy happy.
But relieved all the same.
So keep dancing.

Crushed....

2009-02-01T05:15:00.002+08:00

Just when I let go of things that I know won't come...
Just when I let go of things that I know don't exist...
Just when I let go of things that I know won't work to my benefit...
Hope came....
A bright shining light at the end of the long struggling tunnel...
The tunnel that have been digged over and over again...
With anger, sorrow, frustration, blood, sweat, tears,...
Then it all comes tumbling down...
Not by choices...
Not by decisions...
Not by mentality...
Simply because of pre-conception and -notion of make-believes...
It's heartbreaking...
It's sad...
It's worthless...
Yet it hurts all the same...
Yet it pierces deep all the same...
Yet it kills all the same...
Kills the already dying heart...
Kills the already harden heart...
Kills the already frozen heart...
It burns...

Hope is bullshit...
Without hope, life goes on...
With hope, life goes on but with tons of worries...
This is not about you...
This is not about me...
This is not about us...
This is not about them...
This is not about anyone at all...
There's no me, you, us, they to point the fingers on...
I'm dead...
A mere human being of no importance...
Soul-less.
Not because of you...
Not because of me...
Not because of us...
Not because of them...
Not because of anyone at all...
Just Crushed...

Happy Chinese New Year...

2009-01-28T02:25:00.002+08:00

Although it sucks to be out of cash during festive season.
Chinese New Year has been pretty fun and eventful.
KTV, house-visiting, late-night eating! =)
And I'm sure all of you are more or less having fun as well.
Which always is a good thing.
So, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Just when I thought I'm brave enough to face all the challenges ahead of me.
I'm stuck with ghost of my past.
Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.
I HAVE TO get it out.
.....................
.....................
.....................
.....................
.....................
It's time............

quick update...

2009-01-20T17:29:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since I last updated.

2008 was an amazing year.
A year that I could say I'm actually pretty proud and happy for myself.
2009 has been pretty good.
Hopefully, it will be just as good a year or even better.
Hopefully, I'm not asking for too much. =)

I'll update again once I'm more free.
Which I seriously don't know when. LOL.
Anyway, have a great year ahead everybody.
I know I would! =)

Love,
Fredy

Random thoughts...

2008-12-29T00:23:00.004+08:00

Our mind works in such a mysterious way,
It's hard to imagine what could catalyst all of our words, actions, etc.
So many random images of the past came to mind.
Those times of silliness, goofiness, childishness,
that I once so tryingly embodied, which have sadly dissipated.
The chastity, the purity, the gullibility, the simplicity,
The candidness, the innocence of those younger times,
Seem to be clouded by the "mystery",
And the preplexity of adolescence to adulthood.
We don't stop and think through it, simply because it's a cycle.
A life cycle.
A cycle that everyone and anyone in this world will go through one way or another. And it's something that we mostly overlooked.
Such tragic human flaw.
Or maybe it's just me.

I miss those times we talked about anything and everything,
Under the moonlight at the playground.
And then running off trying to catch my last bus.

I miss those times of goofiness, silliness, food hunting,
Encouraging smses, actions, words, emotions,
And countless of talks at random places like Esplanade, Changi Airport, etc.

I miss .....

I miss ...........

But at least I've been through all of those happy times.
And I guess I should be satisfied.
As they will forever be engraved in my heart, mind, body and soul.

Festive Season....

2008-12-25T04:09:00.004+08:00

25th December used to be one of my fav day of the year.
It still more or less is, but it's quite different now.
Although it's still one hell of a great reason to shop till you drop.
To eat your heart out. To party like crazy.
And to do all the insane things that you never get to do any other days of the year.
Either age mellowed down the event.
Or simply because nothing could top that crazy things that I used to do in my younger days.
YOUNGER DAYS!!!!!!!! Urrrggghhh..
How I hate using those words.
But everyone knows I'm still young and will remain young for as long as I want.

So here I am wishing everyone: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!
It's a joyous event.
Let go of all the misery, the uncertainty, the doubts.
Let go of all things negative.
It's the time of the year to just be a kid and have fun.
Spend all your hard earned money or you parents' money.
On overpriced chocolates, silly little gifts.
Bring out the christmas tree, ornaments, etc.
Brighten up your life just for this day.
Even if life goes back to normal the next day.
Whatever happens on Christmas stays within it.
I promise. And if you believe me.
=)

Another heartwarming event just passed by...

2008-12-21T20:32:00.003+08:00

DANZATION 2008.
Has been and will always be the event of 2008 for me.
The amount of thoughts passing through me is unbelievably insane.
I had such a blast in 2006.
Being the very first big scale dance production that I was involved in.
And obviously the start of everything that I have now in dance.
It's just been 2 years.
Yet so much seem to have changed within this timeframe.
I can't help but to just look forward to what's ahead.
This year's event, though not as involved.
Yet that same feeling that I used to have stayed with me.
The amount of gratitude that I have towards every single person has just doubled.
To be able to be in an event of such scale is a dream.
A dream any dancer would hope to get.
And I'm glad to be able to dance once again with everyone whom I used to dance with.
I'm delighted to see the same faces I've loved all these while.
I'm crazily surprised to see the bond that we've created all these while.
I hope this stays with everyone for many, many, many years to come.
I LOVE all of you.
I LOVE NRA.

"Grace Kelly".
With a year full of downs.
I'm just glad that I could end it off with such a lively & happy dance.
Dedicating to myself and everyone else who wish they could just forget the sorrows in your lives.
Thank you for putting in much effort in the item.
I may not always be there to guide every single one of you as much as I hope I could.
But you guys did amazingly wonderful.
And I thank you for that.
It always brings a smile to my face to see how much you guys embraced it.
And how much all of you put your heart into performing it.
And I'm once again honored to have worked with all of you.
And to see you guys goes beyond my wildest expectation.
And improve like noone's business.
Proud of every single one of you.

SMU ITEM.
Sorry for the constant changes and the extremely last minute choreographies.
I didn't have the chance to work with ALL of you.
But we're still in the same item together.
And I'm positive that we would work together again in the near future.
To all the SMU people, thanks!
It's been extremely fun working with you guys.
And thanks for never questioning my crazily-weird choreos that I always come up with.

Von Spears: Thank you for being patient. And although you always boxed me, but it's been fun partnering you this time around. Love. =)

Ann: Nothing I wrote here could show my upmost gratitude on the things that you've done for me. So I won't try. I just want to say how much you mean to me and to us all in NRA and even those dancers out there who have felt your heart. You're truly an inspiration. LOVE YOU!

Terence/Ken/XuanFeng: You guys are such amazingly talented people. It's such a great feeling to know that I know you guys. I love every single one of you. Keep dancing. Keep inspiring. Love all of you.

Wang Qin/Allegra: Still two of of my favorite female dancers around. I love you guys to pieces. Get those confidence back that I've seen and just blow everyone else out of the water.

PeiYi/Chien Yen/Suraiya/Joyce/Rebecca/Orange/Shimin/XingXian/ZiXiang/Alex: It's great that we could do this together again (except for XX, LOL). You guys are amazing and I may not have showed in my face, but i'm so happy to see the breakthroughs you guys had. LOVE YOU ALL.

To all the other amazingly talented dancers/friends in NRA: I LOVE ALL OF YOU. It's been a pleasure to share the same stage with all of you. It's been an honored to work with some of you. It's been my pleasure to witness your passion and love of dance and how much each and every single one of you grows.

To NRA freshies: I don't know most of you. But the first time I saw the full run you guys had, I know how much hardwork and effort you guys put in for that item. And with that, I know there are many more to come for you guys. =)

To External Dancers: Thank you for being a part of this and being able to meet with so many talented dancers is a great feeling. Thank you. And Zaihar, you're on sick dude. Darren, Khye and the rest of the external choreographers whom I didn't get to know, thank you. Hopefully, there're more to come.

To NRA: Another great year, another great event. Another reason to say: "I'm proud to be in NRA".

Take me through....

2008-12-15T02:04:00.003+08:00

Busy is an understatement.
The past few weeks/months have been nothing but draining.
Although they were rewarding and fun most of the time.

O School recital 2008 is finally over.
My very first recital and definitely one of the most eventful one.
As last minute the O crew item was, it was the most fun we've had in any performance.
I totally enjoyed being able to do all the different stuffs that each of us have.
Rather than tagging on with people we're most comfortable with.
Although that kinda take a toll because there're just too many choreos to learn.
LOL. All in all, it's fun. =)

Honestly, I'm glad that I have all these people in my Street Jazz item.
Fun-loving people, hardworking and focus (kinda, not when it comes to formation).
LOL.
And the whole experience of teaching them,
And coming up with choreographies wouldn't have been as fun without them.
You guys did great and I'm happy to see Some of you try your very best,
Although it may not be something that you're most comfortable in.
Thanks for all the laughter and entertainment on Sunday afternoon.
Sorry for the constant 15 minute grace. =P
Sorry for laughing at Khye too much. =P
Thanks for executing the item in the best way you guys could.
Congratz Razmi And Puiman for the awards. =)

NRA Danzation 2008.
I wish I could be a part of it more.
Yet a part of me am glad that I could be at the sideline,
Watching so many of you grow, improve like mad.
I could definitely feel the committment and the love,
that you guys poured in into this production.
And I'm overwhelmed by all the efforts.
2006 was a start and 2008 would be the continuation.
Love all of you.
As for me, I'll have to work my butt off for the measly 2 items that I'm in.
Because I'm super screwed up. LOL.
Take me through for the next few days.
=)

Let's go to a CIRCUS....

2008-12-05T16:42:00.003+08:00

Yes. I'm in my fanboy mode.
So if I shriek, scream and jumped like nobody's business.
Spare me the glares and the laughter.
This is absurdly, ridiculously awesome.
Not once have I been so excited about her since "Baby One More Time".
Love the album.
The songs are ridiculously addictive.
"Circus". "Kill The Light". "Shattered Glass". "If YOu Seek Amy".
And all the rest are killer tracks.

This is her recent performance of "Circus" @ Good Morning America.
And it's an awesome "show" and performance.
She may not be at her prime dancing, but she's definitely sooooo back!!!!!!
And I'm super duper excited.

^Can u spot JP SAN PEDRO?? Lol...

And her official music video for "Circus".
I almost jumped off the building due to excitement.

Walk Away....

2008-11-30T03:44:00.002+08:00

This song never fails to get me.
The first two lines itself grab me.
And I'm drawn to it even further as it goes along.
The lyrics, the soul, the passion.
It's so pure, so honest and so dark.
Everything I love in life.

"I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping

Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely

Oh and it hurts my soul
Cuz I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cuz I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

I should have known
I was used for amusement
Couldn't see through the smoke
It was all an illusion

Now I've been licking my wounds
But the venom seems deeper
We both can seduce
But darling you hold me prisoner

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

Everytime I try to gasp for air
I am smothered in despair it's never over, over
Seems I'll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer, let it be over, over

Inside I'm screaming
Begging, pleading
No more

I don't know what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad but it's true
Each beat reminds me of you

Oh it hurts my soul
Cuz I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cuz I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I'm about to break
I cant stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
And I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need oh

I can't mend
This torn state I'm in
Getting nothing in return
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

Only thing I need to do is walk away from you.

Dancing..... is perfect

2008-11-23T23:23:00.003+08:00

SYTYCD Canada Top 8: Jazz Funk

Wow. Just wow. The performance, the routine, the music, the concept.
It all just blended so well together.
I don't know what's there on Jazz that's not too like.
Except that it's freaking ridiculously hard to do.
Being able to 'act' out a character, dance as awesomely as that.
I would kill myself to be able to do what they did. LOL.
And I'm a fanboy of alot of celebrities.
So this is kinda perfect for me.

SYTYCD Canada Top 8: COntemporary

On a huge contrast.
This piece is the first contemp pieces in the Canadian series,
that I was sort of touched.
I totally love it.

2008-11-14T18:03:00.002+08:00

Teddy Forance.
Mia Michael's assistant.
He's aaaaammmaaazzzinnng......

=)
Sometimes I get so inspired by someone or something.
And that I get so blinded by the fact how amazing it all is.
I lost my self-confidence.
It can get quite depressing to see all the talented people out there.
Yet having no confidence is losing half the battle.
And I realized there is nothing to be depressed about.
I'm excited and in awe seeing people doing what they do best.
To see the things that they do just left me speechless, green-eyed.
Yet filled me with so much hope.
Cos I know hard work and time will bring u somewhere.

And I get this huge urge to do something crazy to my hair.
Hopefully, I'll get it done soon.
Before all the major events that are coming up. =)

Britney Spears upcoming album - "Circus" (Preview)

2008-11-14T03:29:00.001+08:00

Some great potential hits in there!
"Kill The Lights" & "If You Seek Amy" sound awesome. =)
Can't wait!
2nd December (coinciding with her birthday!)

Nostalgic

2008-10-31T21:12:00.002+08:00

The people. The place. The setting.
The life. Everything seems nostalgic over here.
Thinking back of everything that I left behind 11 years ago.
It may all be worth it.
It may all turn out to be better than anyone could have imagined.
Even myself.
Yet, there's always that tiny little feeling of "What Ifs.....?"
What if I have insisted on staying where I was?
What if I have insisted on you following me?
Would we have gone to a place where we never had a chance to?
Would I be who I am right now?
Would I still live a life that I've so tired of?
It's full of "what ifs".
Yet that warm tingling feelings of knowing that I'm still here.
Hanging onto my dear life.
It's proof that you are there somewhere, supporting me always.
I'm always waiting...
Although you would never have known it.

Love.....

Rediscover.....

2008-10-20T19:43:00.002+08:00

First official day at Australia, Canberra.
It's a nice place.
Have a suburb feel to it.
Cool, nice houses, lots of bushes, trees.
Kangarooes everywhere.
Weather is good. People are nice.
It's a slow and nice place to live in.
A very nice place to sort of "çhill out" in life.
Had one performance in the afternoon.
Gonna have lots more throughout the week.
Kinda excited about it because people here have been very nice.
So it's just a way of showing our gratitude by doing a good job.
Hopefully, we all will. =)

Being away from everything else feels kinda good.
And maybe the idea of just living life as it is.
Seems more ígnorant now compared to before.
I want to rediscover myself.
As a human being.
As well as rediscover how beautiful the world truly is.
And how life could be just as.
In another life time.

Womanizer... Womanizer...

2008-10-14T12:46:00.004+08:00

She's officially back!!!!!
I'm so excited for the video.
It may not be the best or the most original video she could come up with.
There are obvious references to her previous videos especially "Toxic" with a touch of "Stronger" & "I'm a Slave 4 U" here and there.
Her dancing doesn't look as polished as she used to.
Her presence wasn't as strong as she used to.
But comparing to her videos from "Blackout" era.
This is a MIIILLLLLEEEEE BETTER.
I can't wait for her new album "Circus".
And she's looking smokin' hot again.
JUst as I know she would........
Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!
*screams like a fanboy*

On a totally different note.
Why do people think they're unhappy and life's a bitch?
Because probably they make themselves out to be bigger and better and more important than everybody else.
What they don't realize is how stupidly ignorant they can be.
Life waits for no one.
No one waits for anyone.
Alone is the key.
Loneliness is the consequence.
Us is the cause of it all.
So do you think life's still a bitch?
Or should you look in the mirror to find out?

Clearing off my mind...

2008-10-09T01:47:00.003+08:00

Will be off to Phuket for the next 3 days.
Back on Saturday morning.
Already packed with rehearsals and stuffs.
SMU. NRA. Australia trip.
Gonna be an extremely busy month.
But I'm happy to be able to go back to my hometown.
For my second sister's wedding.
Only now, I realize I may have missed them more than I thought.
I'm looking forward to see all of their faces again.
=)

Live in content.
Regrets or No regrets.

Hits rock bottom and rises again...

2008-10-03T03:00:00.003+08:00

You're not totally human,
if you could not feel even a teensy bitsy of something in you.
You need not be her biggest fan.
For someone who has hit rock bottom.
To rise again and faces whatever in front of you head on.
It's a remarkable feat.
Regardless of your status.

L.O.V.E

Little monster....

2008-09-29T17:00:00.001+08:00

That's his nickname...
and what a monster he is...
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. =)

Annoyed....

2008-09-26T16:31:00.002+08:00

ANNOY:
1. to disturb or bother (a person) in a way that displeases, troubles, or slightly irritates.
2. to molest; harm.
3. to be bothersome or troublesome.
4. Archaic. an annoyance.

I'm annoyed with....

1. ...People who don't think before they talk or do somethings and think that they could get away with it. No matter how "naive" or "innocent" you are, sometimes there are things that you can't get away with. Being stupid is one of them. Stop being ignorant.

2. ...People who charge into the train right after the doors open. It's worse when their faces have that of Olympians who think that they could get a medal by being the fist. Be considerate, get a life and common sense quick,

3. ...Tweens, teens, Secondary School Students, Ah Beng, Ah lians that fall under the same category - Immature and ignorantly "innocent". Not all, but most! so get off my face and live in your dreamland.

4. ...Teachers who think that they're the coolest people in campus or worse on Earth. Firstly, as hard a teacher's job as it is, a teacher is never cool and will never be. And thinking that you've worked in the media, experienced life, speak better english, know more physics and mathematics formula or more chemical equations don't make any of you cool. So do your job, wear your glasses, stuck your head in the books and pass the knowledge you're supposed to to your students.

5. ...People who whines all the time. "I Wish my hair is longer". "I wish I can improve faster". "Why am I so lousy"... blah blah blah.... Key word: WHINE!!!! It's worse when you have a high-pitch and nasally voice. Don't ever whine or you'll get me into overdrive and I might do things you never thought I could.

6. ...Friends who use "friendship" as an excuse to do/say things that friends shouldn't be doing.

7. ...Non-friends who think by chatting occasionally on MSN and random nods of acknowledgement now and then make two people BFFs. Don't assume, it takes a lot more to be friends.

8. ...People who always boasts but do not have the talent to back it up. Get a life. Get a hobby. Get a talent, PRONTO!

9. ...The list goes on and on and on.....

And sometimes I'm kind of annoyed with myself for being so annoyed by so many things....

I miss you.... even more than I should

2008-09-18T00:00:00.003+08:00

I've been wanting to updates for the longest time.
Always cannot find the right time to.
So just quick random updates so far.

DJ Ken had left for London.
I wish him the best.
And I'm sure he can take care of himself.
The tremendous growth in character and maturity I've seen in him.
Convinces even my deepest doubt.
Just when we've realized how similar and different we are,
you've gone to another phase in your life.
Nevertheless, enjoy every moment of it.
And come back a different yet similarly awesome person that you've always been.
I will miss you. We will all miss you.
Continue to dance and come back to inspire.
Love ya Ken. =)

Happy Birthday Wang Qin.
Sometimes I wonder how a small person like you could do all the things you did.
It amazes me even till now.
You're an awesome friend, person, girl, dancer, human...
You're just AWESOME.
I'm glad to have known you.
I'm glad to be still knowing you.
I'll be extremely glad if I can continue knowing you.
Thanks for everything.
For being there.
For being who you are.
Love ya, WQ!

Welcome back, Alex Ow!
You've been gone for like ages....!
But I'm glad you're back.
Although I know you miss NY a lot more than you miss us.
LOL. Okay, I'm joking.
But I just hope you'll still find what you love here when you left.
Hopefully I will see you soon and catch up.

Basically, life's been moving on.
Sometimes I move along with it.
Sometimes it moves so fast that I'm left behind trying to chase it.
Do I still try to get ahead of it and control it.
Or rather just sit back and let it control me?
Isn't nice to just let loose and see where all these will take me?
Rather than constantly worrying and thinking of where it will get me.
If only...
If only I've known much earlier.
If only I've come to stop and stare straight into you.
And get you faster that I should.
I'm ashamed to even call myself a friend.
I can't live with regrets.
Yet regrets are all I'm feeding on.
I miss you.
Even more than I should.

... And I lied when I said it's quick.
But it's pretty random. =)

disappointed and let it go... or fight on to greater heights.

2008-08-28T02:38:00.003+08:00

Enough on all the emo posts.
I don't realize it until I go back and read them again.
And I realize it can get pretty depressing sometimes.

Anyway. Tucker Barkley.
He's like this super talented, genius of a dancer.
He's been hailed as a prodigy by many of the renowned choreographers in the States.
And I can see why.
He's ONLY 18, yet he's AHMAAAAZZZINNNGGGGG!!!!!!
There are lots of amazing dancers in the States.
But I kinda looking up to him for now.
One day, I got to take his class.
But not anytime soon I think.
Cos I'll either be extremely disappointed with myself and give up.
Or fight on to improve.
Which is pretty risky at this point in time.
So very soon.
Hoping one day, I have the necessary skills and techniques to handle his dance.
Fight on...........

Here are 2 of his clips.
There are lots more on youtube, just type his name.

Tell me if you know anyone's choreo is faster than these.
And you guys think mine's fast.. Lol.. Think again! =)

life and death

2008-08-25T02:28:00.003+08:00

"They come and talk to me,
when i am all alone.
They always remind me of all the things that I've done wrong.
It's scary, disturbing,
but somehow I'm not sorry.
The only thing that's even real is the feelings that I don't feel.
They're all the same,
but they're so different.
They're leaving evidence of my darkest secrets.
Now i just can't pretend to forget these voices in my head,
and they just won't stop screaming..."

Sometimes we believe there's always a better place that we could be.
We all believe in leading a life we all wanted.
Believing that we deserve a life that's worthy of remembrance.
What do we want out of everything?
After achieving what we think we wanted, then what's next?
Will there ever be a time when we all would stop?
Stop thinking. Stop making decisions.
Stop worrying. Stop all activities.
Is death the only ending to one's life?
Will there be a continuation of one's life after death?
Is life and death as simple as it seems to be?
Just a cycle of life?
But is it really?

Repeat it over and over again...

2008-08-19T19:29:00.002+08:00

Death, but a departure.
A leaving from the mortal world to the spirit world.
A disconnection from the world of the living to the afterlife.
A way to leave the Earth and to move on to the heavens.

Either way you look at it.
Does it really deserve such the depressions?
Does it really have to cause such suffering to those who can't let go of their lost ones?

You cannot bring the spirits back into the same life that it left.
So just leave it be, it was meant to happen for a reason.
The departure is supposed to be the best experiance.
So don't ruin it for your loved ones by keeping them back from it.
They want you to be happy.
They want you to forget about their deaths.
Treat them as everyone else.
After all, are they not still people?
Do they not deserve to be spoken of as all of us living?
Let them go.
Let them fulfill their destinies.
Let them see you happy.
Release.

It is as easy as it sounds.
Just keep repeating it.
Over and over again.

It's time to go...

2008-08-13T01:35:00.002+08:00

I wanna scratch and scar my face,
I wanna feel like I'm lost in space,
I wanna pull my hair out,
I wanna feel like no one's there,
I wanna dig out my eyes and watch them bleed,
For just one moment I wish I could want what I need,
I wanna scar my skin so bare,
I wanna know if you still care,
I wanna stop falling in love,
I wanna fit into you like a glove,
I wanna be sad and I wanna cry,
I wanna for one second wonder why,
I wanna wear my eyeliner dark and my lips pale,
For one day I don't wanna fail,
I wanna end my life and end it fast,
So for just one minute i wanna forget my past,
I wanna feel passion and I wanna feel lust,
I wanna feel my heart slowly bust,
I wanna tell you one last thing,
As I hear the angels of my past sing,
Goodbye to you, the one I used to know,
For I know it's time for me to go...

... to a better place.

c o l o u r s m e . . . . . . .

2008-08-08T02:48:00.002+08:00

Haven't been using any skins for quite some time.
Partly because I couldn't find what I liked.
So finally... =)
And for those whom I've not linked, please tag your url again.
I lost some of the links while changing the skin.
Sorry.

Lately, I haven't been thinking a lot about stuffs.
And it sort of helps in a way.
By slowing down the rate my mind is processing,
I can finally see what is really important to me.
I guess that also comes with age.
So yes, for the first time, I'll admit I've come of age.
Although it maybe too late to many.
I'm glad for the way my life has changed simply due to the fact that I take better care of myself.
In the way I see myself.
In the way I see others.
In the way I see life.
In the way I see what others don't.
Realizing that you are not of the utmost importance is the key to everything.
That there are bigger things out there.
That you're just a small part of everything.
And that everything doesn't revolve around you.

I've gone through phases of being a blank white paper.
I've gone through phases of being drawn and disfigured.
I've gone through phases of wear and tear.
I just want to go through that phase of being a blank white paper once again.
Just to be drawn with multiple colour crayons.
To inject the colorful life that I so very deserved right from the start.
Will that make things brighter?
Will I be happier?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is I'm coloured.
Not a black and white piece of crumpled trash floating around.

c o l o u r i n g . . . . . .

Believe the Impossible....

2008-08-01T23:02:00.004+08:00

Call me obsessed.
Call me fanatic.
But this is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!
To see what people can do with their body through dancing.
I'm in such an awe.
Like the judges, I have to start believing in the impossible.
WOW. Just WOW.

^ This totally beats the routine Tyce Diorio did for Ivan and Allison to "Why". I love that routine so much even up to now. I have been watching it on a regular basis. But this routine, MADNESS!!!!!

^Just like how I fell in love with Mandy Moore, esp with her table routine with Sabra and Neil last year, plus the 80s Jazz routine she did for Sara and Pasha. I totally love Sonya this year. She's weird, quirky, awesome!!!!!

^WOW! Katee and Joshua are definitely the stars of the season.

Seeing what Joshua can do with all the routines he's done.
He's absolute madness.
He's a popper!!!!!
Yet....
WOW. JUST WOW.
The talent! The committment!
The attitude! The strength!
Hopefully, one day....
Thanks Chien Yen. Lol

Call me obsessed.
Call me a fanboy.
They are crazy madness.
And I respect how amazingly talented these people are.
=)

Natasha Bedingfield - Soulmate

2008-07-21T00:00:00.003+08:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Have I finally accepted this life as it is?
Or was it all just ignorant?

WOW...

2008-07-18T02:46:00.002+08:00

I usually don't really like traditional jazz or pas de deux.
Although I totally appreciate it and I know how freaking tough it is.
But I prefer cotemporary that really dig deep down within and touches me.
That make me feel something.
But this routine is BRILLIANT!!!!!!!
Ballet is not my thing, BUT anyone who watches it and don't get chills.
Then I think they might have watched too much Adam Sandler's movies.
It's a combination of everything.
Insipiring song. Insipiring voice (for once).
Insipiring choreography. Inspiring Dancers.

One day, maybe I'll be able to appreciate what I have.
Instead of worrying what I don't have.

In the midst of reality check...

2008-07-14T01:57:00.002+08:00

Someday.
Somewhere.
There'll be a story.
My story.
A story that could be shared

GENIUS....

2008-07-04T03:45:00.001+08:00

I'm in love...
I've confessed it openly long ago.
And I just couldn't get enough of her.

This is pure genius!!!
Work hard. Brush up on my technique.
And I want to meet this genius called Mia Michaels.
And experience everything her head is experiencing.
She's beyond this world.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*runs and stretch*

Daphne Khoo...

2008-07-03T01:52:00.004+08:00

^Not the best pic for the both of us. Lol. But still. =)

Specially for you, Daph.
Just wanna wish you the best.
Take extremely good care of urself over there.
You'll be missed.
You've been an amazing friend.
You're always there when I needed someone.
You have been a great support the past few years.
So no amount of thank you could make up for it.
Although we don't talk as often as we used to.
But whenever I'm down, I'll always take out that little brown book
And it always reminded me of you.
And it will somehow make me feel a lil' better.
So that brown book stays with me for now. Sorry. =P
Anyway, you know that you always have a place in me.
No matter how crazily busy I am.
No matter how crazily busy you are.
It's the sudden urge of needing to talk to someone.
That makes the two of us pretty similar.
So Daphne Khoo.
Please keep in touch.
Even if it's just emails. Lol.
Have fun over there.
Keep doing what you love to do.
And think positive.
Love ya, Daph!!!! =)

Finding my own revelation...

2008-06-24T03:09:00.003+08:00

Back from Medan a few days ago.
Was a fulfilling trip.
Finally got to see my mum and my sis after more than a year.
Got to meet up with my primary school friend from Medan whom I have not seen for 11 years.
Thanks for the photos, dude.
The Memories. =)

My Birthday was a few days ago.
Thanks for all the smses, messages, the wishes, celebration, etc.
Nothing huge.
Just simple, nice and fun.
The Memories. =)

Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to realize their life.
And I guess I'm such a person.
I've come to appreciate life more than what I used to for the past few years.
It's amazing how much emotion you could get just from seeing a long lost friend.
Just from hearing the critical news of your loved ones.
From words of support and encouragement.
From the appreciation others provide.
From little things that I would have never thought could provoke such a deep impression on me, my thoughts, my life.

I miss everyone.
I miss everyone who have been a part of my life.
I miss my mum, dad, sis.
I miss my granddad, grandma, cousins.
I miss my aunts, foster parents.
I miss my primary school friends in Medan.
I miss my primary school friends in Singapore.
I miss Monk's Hill Secondary School.
I miss all of my friends there.
I miss canoeing.
I miss SOME of the teachers.
I miss SOME of my Poly friends.
I miss NRA.
But instead of dwelling on it like I would in the past.
Now, I know that something could be done to amend that.
And that has to come from my own effort.
With that, it makes me realize how much in control I am in my own life.
And it makes me feel pretty good about life.

Maybe.
Just maybe.
I'm more of a provider.
Which I'm completely fine with.
I just need the revelations.

The Big Groove 2008

2008-06-10T03:35:00.003+08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged.
Have been super duper ultimate busy for the past dunno how many weeks.
But The Big Groove is over.
So I guess I could take a little breather for now.
Although I'm sure there are tons of other things that will come along the way.

The Big Groove 2008 was awesome.
I enjoyed every moment that I had on stage.
Although I screwed up big time during stage run, during full dress.
It's amazing to see so many talented dancers sharing the same stage.
I'm honored and extremely delighted to be a part of something so grand for dancers.
I was a little less stressed about OCrew performance.
Since we had way more time than we did last year.
Special shout out to Gin who improvised so quickly during a mishap.
My hats off to her.
And thanks for everything. And of course everyone else too.

To SMU.
I'm extremely proud of every single one of you.
You guys tried and did your best.
That is what's most important.
It's the breakthrough.
And from now onwards, it's time to go way beyond what you think you have.
I'm looking forward to the concert.
=)

And now NRA.
I'm extremely happy to still be able to do this event at that same stage with you guys again this year.
I'm happy to be included.
No matter what it is, we tried our best.
And I really do felt the energy, the support, the constant care that you guys show towards me and each other.
Words could not convey the gratitude I have towards all of you.
Especially Terence who took the effort to come down to O School just to teach me all the steps.
Thank you for the hardwork, the choreography, the dedication and everything else that you did.
You're an extremely talented, gifted dancer and the most amazing friend I have. =)
To the rest, thank you for everything as well.
Thank you for being so understanding.
Thank you for all the encouraging smses.
Thank you for the support.
To Ann.
You are, have always been and will always be the best mentor I have in my life.
I love ya.
Thank you for always putting sense in me.
Thank you for being way more than just an instructor to me.
=)

So to end it all.
I'm extremely blessed with the things that I have.
The opportunities that were given to me.
I'm happy to be able to be where I'm at.
But all of us need to look up.
We need to look way beyond our own expectation.
Our own vision.
Even with so much support, assurances.
The doubt will always be there.
And I'm trying to find a reason not to.
And the answer to that is as simple as moving forward, be open, learn as much as you can, improve and offer everything that you have.
What makes it so fun?
Because I love to dance.

American Idol 2008

2008-05-22T15:46:00.002+08:00

Finally, American Idol frenzy is over.
And Cook wins it all.
I'm happy with the result.
Cook has been consistently good.
He's the only contestant who has shown much growth.
And he's the kind of artiste that I'll definitely support.
Emo punk rock vocalist.
Although I'll picture him better with a band behind him.
Nevertheless, he deserved the crown.
And for the first time ever in Idol history,
my favorite won the title. =)
Archuleta is an amazing vocalist.
And he's extremely young.
He will have his strong core of fan base.
I wish big things for him.
He just have to grow a lil' older.
He has the teen-crazed phenomenon written all over him.
Waiting patiently for what both could offer in the real world.
Sad that American Idol is over.
But extremely excited as well.
Because AI's end marks the beginning of another season of SYTYCD!
CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!
=)

Everything's been pretty good so far.
I'm more at ease with myself.
With everything and everyone around me.
I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
For the first time in my life,
I dare say I've grown up.
=)

2008-05-08T21:08:00.006+08:00

LOST.
I wish time could stop and runs at a slower rate.
Thrown into the ocean without a lifevest.
Pushing forward, yet drowning.

Maybe everyone is lying to my face.
I'm not convinced.

Missing....

2008-04-29T02:32:00.003+08:00

It's common knowledge.
When you gain some, you lose some.
There's no one position where you could keep gaining.
Simply because the capacity of the human intake is limited.
No matter how talented/gifted/extraordinary one can be.
Only by letting go some, then you can gain others.
Therefore, there's nothing really to regret.
I may have lost a certain part of the past that I've been so used to.
That I've been so comfortable with.
That I've come to love so much.
It's quite disheartening when I think about it.
Yet, everyone needs to move on.
And moving on is something that I have to look at it.
By looking pass the past.
It's sad to just witness by the sideline.
But I'm fortunate enough to be able to gain something in return as well.
Experience and Exposure beyond my wildest dream.

I miss everyone.

Pictures tell a thousand words...

2008-04-24T01:33:00.003+08:00

^Love ya, Su!!!!!! =)

^Yew. Me. Mia. I feel like a big bully who is enjoying myself torturing those two. LOL. =)

^My only 3 freshies I got to work with. Yew.Chin.Mia. Awesome job guys! =)

^Me & QH! =)

^Vicks. HTILY Partner! Love all the laughters. =)

^Mia.Mae.Yew.JiaJun.XT.Ivan. I looked like a bloated lobster in all. Damnit. Damnit. =(

^My true blue batch! Batch of 2005!!!!! I'm one of them. Lol. =)

Lastly.

^Me and Ann. She forced me to edit these pictures. Lol. Love ya Ann. Thanks for everything. Love.

I know there are still tons of pictures of me still somewhere.
But I know I can never get them.
So I'm happy with these few I have.
So if u read this, send me my pictures. Lol.
Love ya guys.
Missing all of you already.

Beginning to see the dim light from the extreme end of the tunnel.
Hopefully it will grow brighter.
=)

smiles..... and keep smiling....

2008-04-22T01:03:00.003+08:00

There are times when you don't feel good.
Yet you simply can't pin down what you don't feel good about.
There are tons of things that came to mind.
That worries me.
Tried to let it all go.
To put it all aside.
And just focus on the present.
It's easier said than done.
But I'm making the effort to.
Hopefully, pain wouldn't be an option.

It's killing me to know that you would never know.
It's killing me to know that I wouldn't get anything out of this.
It's killing me to know that pain will be on its way if this continues.
But I can't help it.
When it comes, it comes.
And as much as I hate it when it comes.
But these are those little memories that will be carried with me throughout my entire life.
And I believe you're special enough for me to do so.
But I need to let it go. Soon.

First day of work was more eventful that I thought it would be.
I just hope I can balance both sides.
Hoping for the best.
Keeping my faith up......

Finally, pulling both sides of my lips.
And smile.... =)

Have faith....

2008-04-19T16:01:00.004+08:00

Yep. Fantazia is over.
It happened so quickly that we don't really have much time to reflect on it.
Is it the best we could have given? I'm sure it is.
But could it have been better? I'm sure it could be as well.
But nevertheless, it's always such a happy moment to see the club comes together.
Staying strong. Enjoying little moments together and move forward.
NRA has been and will always be my first love.
Nothing could take away the magic it has inflicted in my life.

It was a great opportunity to be given the chance to choreograph.
And I'm just extemely grateful for everyone who has been a part of my items.
I may not be the most creative choreogapher.
I may not be the best and most patient 'teacher'.
I may scream at times. I think I need some anger management courses as well.
But seeing all of you pushing through, it makes my experience as a 'choreographer' or 'instructor' so much more meaningful and enriching.
I thank you for taking in all the shyts I've given you guys.
And the lessons I learnt from all of you are so much more than I could have ever imagined.
So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. =)

To Ann:
Thanks. Million Thanks.
What would I have become without your guidance?
The endless encouragement.
The constant push.
The care, concern and love.
You are the best thing that have ever happened to me.
And being able to see you dance live again.
IS AWESOME.
Thanks.

To Ryan:
Thank you for those simple words of encouragement.
And reassurance.
It means more than anyone could have ever imagined.

To WQ/Jaei/Allegra/Steffie/StephTan/Vicks:
Partnering me will forever have little mishaps here and there.
So thank you for being patient and so very brave. =)
It's been awesome dancing with you guys up close.
Thanks. =)

To Su/Von/JJ:
Thank you for putting sense in me always.
Thank you for constantly showering me with much concern when I needed most.
Thank you for everything.

To Daph:
I still have that little book of ours.
Sorry for not being a better friend when you needed me to.
Enjoy your trip.
And I promise we'll have time for more. =)

To my Helena people:
Thank you for enduring me.
Thank you for executing what I wanted to the best of your ability.
Sorry for all the backpains, sores, and bruises.
Thank you for putting in the effort for this.
Little shout out for you Yewwwwwww Seng!!!
and MiaTeck. =)
Thanks.

To Can We Chill people:
Lucky I have you guys in the item.
Cos I know you all well enough.
So keep having last minute changes.
But thanks.

To my Showcase people:
All of 28 of you... GOOD JOB!
I'm actually pretty satisfied with the final outcome.
I'm happy that you guys put it the best effort.
For those who cared enough to approach me.
Thanks cos it makes me grow even further with your countless questions.
=)

To all of those who have shown much concern:
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To NRA:
ALL OF YOU!!!!!
Great job.
LIke I said before, we have never failed as a team.
And basing on this, we will NEVER!
=)

So the past few months of hardwork has come to a pitstop.
And most people would be a little lost and wondering what's next.
But sometimes being patient could lead you to places you could never have ever thought of.
There are tons of opportunities out there for you to grab or coming your way.
Just open your eyes and be ready to grab it.
I'll forever be an NRA member.
Nothing could take that away from me.
Have faith...

2008-04-16T03:37:00.002+08:00

Someone shoot me or pop some pills in my mouth. I have been having such a hard time trying to get my ass on my bed and my eyes close, it's making me doubt my humanity. Maybe I'm not as human as I always thought I was afterall. Damnit. I'm hating these late nights lately, mainly because I've been dancing non-stop for the past few weeks, my body's more worn out than ever. Also, late nights could only lead to thousand of thoughts running through my head and it's not something that I could comprehend right now.

Our mind works in such a mysterious way, it's hard to imagine what could catalyst all of our words, actions, etc. So many random images of the past came to mind. Those times of silliness, goofiness, childishness that I once so tryingly embodied, which have sadly dissipated. The chastity, the purity, the gullibility, the simplicity, the candidness, the innocence of those younger times seem to be clouded by the "mystery" and the preplexity of adolescence to adulthood. We don't stop and think through it, simply because it's a cycle. A life cycle. A cycle that everyone and anyone in this world will go through one way or another. And it's something that we mostly overlooked. Such tragic human flaw. Or maybe it's just me. I miss those times we talked about anything and everything under the moonlight at the playground. I miss those times of goofiness, silliness, food hunting, encouraging smses, encouranging actions, words, emotions and countless of talks at random places like Esplanade, Changi Airport, etc. I miss... But at least I've been through all of those happy times. And I'm satisfied. As they will forever be engraved in my heart, mind, body and soul.

As of now, Fantazia is ONE DAY away. It will be a success because we have never ever failed as a team before and will NEVER. And I know I'm gonna miss it very soon. =(

what's your choice?

2008-04-05T05:17:00.002+08:00

There goes my empty promises of sleeping early. Well, maybe it's the green tea that Ore insisted. Maybe. But who knows. I'm still up as always. And it's always this time of the day/night that thoughts and emotions ran through this little head of mine. Read through all the write-ups of all the choreographers that Peggy sent me. I feel at awe to know all of them, to dance alongside them, to have been a part of this amazingly talented people for the past 3 years. Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone has their own unique style and quality. Simply put, everyone is so different but that makes everything so much more interesting. Dance is something that came to me from nowhere and I'm not letting it go anytime soon. Not when I'm still in control of everything about myself. No matter what we've become. No matter how situations affect other situations. It is that sense of hope from everyone else for everyone else that makes it all worthwhile to put everything into it. For me at least. =)

Sadness is the emotion that lingers the most, much more than any of the others and certainly longer than happiness. It stays with people longer, it's more provocative. It lifts your spirit in a strange way because it inspires you to think about your existence.

Which would you rather choose?

Welcome to Dollywood....

2008-04-03T02:44:00.002+08:00

So it's Dolly Parton Week. I do listen to country music, the more recent artistes that is. I know of Dolly Parton obviously, but her music isn't neccessarily my cup of tea. But I thoroughly enjoyed this week, which is not surprising because country music has been growing on me ever since. Generally, the girls disappoint but the guys are pretty impressive. So here we go:

9. Ramiele Malubay - This is horrendous with capital H. I don't see how the judges could be so kind to her. Maybe because she's cute. Maybe because she's young. I don't get it. As of now, she is the weakest link of the group and not Kristy Lee. BOTTOM 3. (I want her out too)

8. Brooke White - How my favorite could have fallen so low. I think she did pretty good, but her voice was mediocre. Her voice sounded harsh, nasal and she didn't even sound consistent. Her worst peformance by a mile. Disappointed. POSSIBLE BOTTOM 3.

7. Kristy Lee Cook - This is her wheelhouse like the judges said. But I still don't think she's a great performer. She sounded fine, but not impressive at all. BOTTOM 3, but safe though.

6. Jason Castro - Jason Castro sang one of the few songs that I knew from Ms. Parton. But he doesn't impress this week, which is pretty disappointing. He sounded so soft, which showed the weakness of his vocal. POSSIBLE BOTTOM 3.

5. Carly Smithson - She always sounds great, but sounding great doesn't equal to an amazing performance which Carly has proven again and again. I think she's amazing vocally, but I don't think this season is for big voices like her and Syesha, so it's really quite sad for the both of them. She would be of much a frontrunner in the previous seasons. I think she's safe but SHAKY.

4. David Cook - I think he sounded great. The song doesn't sound country at all which could be a good or a bad thing. I have nothing much to say about his performance actually because he's as good as usual but not as fantastic as he could be. SAFE.

3. Syesha Mercado - She sounded unbelievably strong. Yes, I agree that noone could top Whitney's vocals on this song, but Syesha has an amazing set of vocal regardless if she paled in comparison to Whitney. I wished Syesha didn't do this song, but I'm mad at the judges critiquing her not basing on her performance, but basing it on her the difficulty of the song. It's ridiculous when horrendously sounding Ramiele or even Kristy got better reviews from the judges than her. I LOVE this, but she's definitely on SHAKY ground.

2. David Archuleta - He sounded AWESOME. The way he connects to the song and how he delivers it with the softness, sincerity and the soothing tone to his voice was amazing. I think he definitely has an amazing vocal to be an amazingly talented singer, but how relevant is he in today's music industry. I don't know. But I still think great things could come out of him besides winning the Idol which I think he has a great chance to be. EXTREMELY SAFE.

1. Michael Johns - FINALLY, Michael Johns impresses. This is one of the best performances ever by him. He sounded awesome, and who would know he has such a nice falsetto. He sounded ridiculously soulful and amazing and awesome. Having the pimp spot and churned out one of the best performances of the night, I think he's EXTREMELY SAFE.

So basically less than 2 weeks.
We have to face the audience.
And danced on the stage that we have shined on 2 years ago.
I wish everyone the best.
Those with injuries.
Those with tons of items.
Work hard. Practice Hard.
Stay focus for the next few days.
Keep practicing.
Practice and practice and practice.
And remember to have fun as well.
=)

Just suck it up and fight on....

2008-03-30T01:05:00.003+08:00

Woken up from the annoying sound of the alarm clock.
Was about to get off my bed to go the bathroom.
And I realized I couldn't freaking move my back.
Well I could. But the pain was killing me.
Damn. And I couldn't seem to find my back support as well.
So I stayed on bed for the next 2 hours.
Before I could sit up and grab the "Rosedon" gel.
And rubbed it on my back.
I know a day's rest is never enough.
But sometimes we just can't help it.
Not when things are coming so close.
And that opportunities opened.
The only thing I could do is hope and stay focus.
And of course lots of rest possible.
Medicine. Theraphy. Etc.
Hope the pain'll go away for the next few weeks.
At least.

So I stayed home today.
Spending most of my time on the bed.
Reading through old magazines and a few rounds of Sudoku.
When the pain slowly goes away.
Got up. Got in front of my laptop.
And watched a whole loads of SYTYCD Australia Videos.
Pretty entertaining. Pretty good dancers.
A few good routines.
Still prefer the US version.
But I prefer the songs used in the Australian version.
More now. More new. More hip. More cool.
A lot of great routines.
Especially love these two. SO enjoy. =)

The FSV Graduates are having a BBQ party.
Couldn't go.
Sorry. Hoped you guys had fun.
And I do hope we could get to meet up now and then.
One way or another.
Good luck for everything guys. =)

The year we were born....

2008-03-27T02:52:00.002+08:00

So this week no more Beatles' songs and I'm so glad because this is a much better show compared to the past 2 weeks. So yay! I generally enjoyed all the performances and this is definitely one of the best Top 10 ever, even with Kristy Lee in it. The two Davids are still the frontrunners I think, but the tide is turning towards Cook more than Archuleta, that of course includes me. Ramiele still disappoints, Kristy Lee plays it smart and Carly's forgettable.

10. Chekizie - The only reason he's ranked below Ramiele is simply because I didn't know this song and I was a little bored by it. But having said that, Chekizie has a great voice. Reminds me a little of Ruben, but more old fashioned and less Pop-ish. BOTTOM 3.

9. Ramiele Mallubay - Nobody should touch "Alone" ever again. Carly sang it and sounded great and Carrie killed it and where's that left Ramiele. Behind biting the dust. She's nowhere as competent a singer as the 2 mentioned earlier. It was pitchy and shrieky, but I do love her low voice tho. Still, I think she should leave. POSSIBLE BOTTOM 3.

8. Brooke White - She reminds me of Faith Hill. Just a little more nasal. But like the judges, I really loved her beginning even with the screw ups. She sounded intimate. But I think she was flat during the faster part of the songs, which is a shame because she could have nailed this song. POSSIBLE BOTTOM 3.

7. Kristy Lee Cook - I love this song. And like Simon said, she's freaking smart. When she sang "I'm proud to be American" out loud on Idol stage, which Americans in their right mind wouldn't want to vote for her? And since Season 2 contestants sang this as a group, she would receive tons of votes because of that as well. She might not be going home, but I still think she'll be in BOTTOM 3.

6. Carly Smithson - I love the song. Love her voice. But overall, it was a little forgettable, which was surprising coming from Carly. She looked extremely nervous this week. That Bottom 3 placing last week must have affected her so much more than we all thought it would. POSSIBLE BOTTOM 3.

5. Jason Castro - LIke I've said, I will always love his performance. Because he's the kind of artiste I've grown to love and support. But he's a little predictable and boring at the week goes. And I love this song. SAFE.

4. David Archuleta - I'm beginning to question his chances of winning this year. I think he'll have it easy on his road to the Top 2, but he's getting more and more vulnerable as the week goes. I don't think it was as bad as Simon thought it was, but definitely not good enough for an Idol winner. EXTREMELY SAFE though.

3. Syesha Mercado - She's this season Tamyra, Trenyce, LaToya, Vonzell, Paris and LaKisha. She's my answer to this season soul sistah. So I'm glad she did amazing this week. But her video package comes across to me that she seem extremely spoiled since young. The popular girl who has everything she wants and needs. Love her, her voice and that performance though. SAFE.

2. Michael Johns - I would have ranked this No.1, but Cook has that pimp spot, so Michael will have to settle for the runner up position. And he actually sings 2 songs, is that even allowed? Anyway, Michael had a GREAT performance definitely. Although Cook is my favorite contestant, but I will have to give it to Michael being my favorite rocker this season.

1. David Cook - I officially believe he's a much more talented vocalist and artiste than Chris Daughtry. Cook has that sensitive, 'emo' thing going on, which Chris doesn't have, so I really prefer him over Chris. Cook is coming on extremely strong this season, but will a rocker finally win Idol? I think Cook might be the answer, but I'm still doubting that possibility. EXTREMELY SAFE.

1985.
How long life has taken me.

Keeping it all together...

2008-03-25T02:29:00.003+08:00

Passing judgement is a part and parcel of life.
Most of us know that.
But getting used to it and being able to get by with it.
Is a totally different story altogether.
I guess I've never been a keeper.
Be it towards myself or others.
Somehow I could not manage to hold onto something for long.
And maybe that's the reason why others felt the same as well.
I'm not bitter. Neither am I feeling sore.
I guess I have taken a totally different approach towards life.
That even I'm amazed at how I could let so many things pass.
Without having the constant need to dwell on it.
In the past, I would have let it affect me to the point of "insanity".
But I think I'm extremely at ease with who I am.
Where my life is at right now.
I admit I still have my constant burst of temper.
Now and then.
Unless I've turned cold-blooded all of a sudden.
I guess such 'events' occuring occasionally is rather acceptable.
Thinking way back of how I used to get ticked by little things around me.
I think it's only fair that I allow myself that little bit of 'ambiguity'.

Had a nice chat with Loo.
Got him to spill all the dirts on everyone.
Well. Not dirts. Just quick updates.
It's nice to hear all the little updates.
Be it positive or negative.
Nice to hear some are doing well.
Felt for those who are going through some rough times.
But I know that they know that my heart is always with them.
Once I'm more free, for the first time ever,
I will organized a get together alright.
I promise. LOL. =)

The past weeks been crazy.
Rehearsals after rehearsals.
But no complaints because I totally enjoy it.
Although sometimes my body is taking a totally different route.
I hope it comes back to me.
I definitely need it back for the next 3 weeks leading to the concert.
A few worries and uncertainties along the way.
But I guess I would always be on the right path with Ann's guidance.
Extremely appreciative being where I am.
"Helena" seems fine.
It's my maiden journey into such item.
It didn't turn out to be what I wanted it to be.
I guess sometimes visions have to be supported with mission.
But I'm generally happy with it.
And hope I brought something new to the table for myself and others.
"Showcase" needs work I suppose.
With 28 people, we need lots of practices.
Which is hard when so many people are involved in so many other items.
But I have faith. And It will work out fine. I hope.
And it definitely open my eyes in a different way.
"Can We Chill" is generally okay.
Didn't put in much thought into it.
So felt kinda bad for the dancers.
Despite Ken's enthusiasm. LOL. But thanks.
But I'm drained. Totally.
WORK HARD.
AND WE WILL MAKE IT.

Love.
Fredy

Eleven....

2008-03-20T03:11:00.005+08:00

I love the Beatles. But please no more Beatles' songs. It kinda gets on my nerves now. Anyway, it's a generally boring show for the Top 11. Bring back the Country Week, Big Band Week, Soul Week, Billboard #1 week, Current Hits week, British Invasion Week, or whatever Weeks but no more Beatles/Paul McCartney Week. Grrr...

11. Ramiele Malubay - It takes ALOT to be ranked lower than Kristy Lee Cook and Ramiele just did. From the hat, to that whatever "suit" she was wearing, to the song, to the "dancing", to the "pouting". It's horrible. Talent show? BOTTOM 3 (warning)

10. Kristy Lee Cook - She has a nice voice. The song's a little too low. Hate the dress. Extremely whiny. Too nasal. BOTTOM 3

9. Chikezie - Last week was good, this week was blah. Reminds me of Rickey Smith of Season 2 and it's not a good thing. BOTTOM 3

8. Brooke White - For the first time, I think Brooke's out of her element. She looked so awkward without a musical instrument in front of her. She's an artiste artiste. She won't be a celebrity, this competition is not for her. DANGER.

7. Amanda Overmyer - I liked her this week more than last week, but it's not saying much. But I love her reply to what Simon commented, so I applaud her for that. I think she's SAFE FOR NOW.

6. Carly Smithson - The problem I have with her is when she always cringe her face, widens her mouth to the extreme when she tries to hit the high notes. I like it. Never heard of the song, but I think it's emotional enough. SAFE.

5. Jason Castro - I like the term "sing-song" used on him. He makes you feel that way. I'll always enjoy his performances. I think. But he'll never be a real contender. SAFE for now.

4. Michael Johns - I think he missed most of the high notes, which sucks because if he did not, it'll be my favorite performance of the night. He's so high in ranking, simply because I love that huskiness tone to his voice and this is probably ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OF ALL TIME. Going with my gut. SAFE for now.

3. Syesha Mercado - I LOVE this song as well. And I agreed that this song might have suited Brooke better. But Syesha looked amazing. Kinda look like Rihanna in a weird way. But I love it. SAFE.

2. David Cook - It's tough deciding on the two Davids. But Cook is second only because he seems a little too smug tonight. I didn't like that voicebox thing. I think it's cool, but not for an Idol performance. But he's definitely riding on the big wave he has created. EXTREMELY SAFE.

1. David Archuleta - The perfect song choice for him. It's rich, it's soulful, it's emotional. So what if he sings another ballad, when you could give a hair raising performance like this, then it should be done more often. But I don't think he's a one trick pony so that Top 2 is still secured. EXTREMELY SAFE.

//*Edit
Let it be.

FUCKING HYPOCRITE

2008-03-17T03:27:00.002+08:00

WHAT GIVE YOU THE FUCKING RIGHT TO EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE?
YOU DON'T KNOW A SHYT!
COS YOU'RE SUCH A LOW LITTLE PERSON!
YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTH LIVING IN THIS PLANET!
YOU'RE SUCH A PATHETIC AND INSECURE LITTLE PERSON.
THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.
WHY COULDN'T YOU SEE THAT?
WHY DON'T YOU CUT YOUR OWN WRIST?
MAYBE HANG YOURSELF?
JUMP OFF THE BUILDING?
JUST KILL YOURSELF. SERIOUSLY.
THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH SWEETER PLACE FOR ME.
WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE.
YOU'RE SO FUCKING IRRITATING.
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CUT YOUR TONGUE AWAY.
TALKING, YAPPING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW.
YOU FREAKING SON OF A BITCH.
WHO IS SO SHELTERED THAT DON'T EVEN NOTICE HOW MUCH OF A SORE LOSER YOU REALLY ARE!
IF YOU WERE TO DANCE MORE THAN YOU FREAKING TALKING CRAP AND GOSSIP.
YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER.
BUT EVEN THEN, YOU'RE SUCH A FREAKING TALENTLESS LITTLE PIG.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN WORTH IT!
FUCK.
AND YES.
I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU WHO THINK YOU GOT WINGS!
YOU FUCKING RETARD.
TELL ME STRAIGHT TO MY FACE IF YOU HAVE BALLS.
BUT I'M SURE YOU DON'T.
COS YOU GOT FUCKING EYES SO SMALL.
YOU GOT FUCKING BIG BELLY.
YOU'RE FAT.
YOU'RE UGLY IN ALL MEANING OF THE WORD.
PATHETIC.

Even the best stumbles......

2008-03-13T01:53:00.003+08:00

So I was super excited about getting home to get my dose of American Idol today. It's the TOP FREAKING 12!!!!! And I was bored to tears. OMG! What happened to the best Top 12 ever on AI? Basing on this week's performances, it's not even close to the talent level of Season 5. But nevertheless, I sat through the whole show, but thinking about "Can We Chill" rehearsal for tomorrow. And when the show could not engage me fully, then I know I'm totally disappointed. Nevertheless, I'm still gonna crap on on the performances from the worst to the best.

12. Kristy Lee Cook - OMG! *eyes popped out* boring as hell. totally butchered the song. I don't understand the sudden 'country'-fied Kristy. You're no Carrie and will never be. BYE!

11. David Hernandez - I knew he's gonna stumble at the big stage. The voice is so monotonous. I felt like strangling him, so that he can sound a little like Daffy Duck. Maybe that'll be more interesting. BOTTOM 3!

10. Ramiela Mallubay - Totally snooze inducing. Nothing much to say. BOTTOM 3!

9. David Archuleta - WOW! WOW! I couldn't believe this at all. Peaking too fast too soon? Forgetting the lyrics. not once. not twice. But THRICE! That's a record on AI! I still think he's a lock, but a rather shaky one for now. And performing last is always a good thing. EXTREMELY SAFE though!

8. Amanda Overmyer - SAFE for now. Next.

7. Syesha Mercado - Another favorite stumbling. =( Like the performance. But being middle pack is not a good thing for someone like her. She could go Nadia Turner's way. And I don't want that! SAFE for now. (Bottom 3 warning!)

6. Chekizie - I like it. quite alot. Yet he ended up only here. I don't know what's in him that's lacking that I just couldn't thoroughly appreciate. SAFE for now.

5. Michael Johns - Appearantly I like his performance more than the judges. But I agreed he's playing it safe and hasn't impressed me all that much. But I love the song "Across the Universe". SAFE.

4. Jason Castro - I think I'll never dislike a single performance from him. Just because his style is what I love musically. But his problem is that his voice is a little thin. I'm afraid he'll be exposed. soon. SAFE.

3. Carly Smithson - WOW! What a voice. But I don't really like the song. And I can't totally place her any higher simply because I'm sure she has done this song thousands of times. EXTREMELY SAFE.

2. Brooke White - Extremely talented. Guitar. Piano. I'm hoping she would come out with a Violin and sing Vanessa Mae or The Corrs or Norah Jones. I love her musically. Her voice a little too nasally for my liking. But unique and that song is one of my favorites. That's why she's EXTREMELY SAFE.

1. David Cook - WOW! WOW! Totally reminds me of Daughtry, but doesn't have that much conviction yet. But definitely my favorite as of now. EXTREMELY SAFE!

I'm hoping for a better show next week. Positive as ever. =)

Take a step at a time.
Most of the time is not always about the result.
It's more on the progress. The Process.
That's what most valuable in the long run.
Time and time again.
I wanna ask.
I wanna request.
I wanna beg.
To start afresh.
I'm hoping for that second chance that might make a difference.
But......

...And then there were twelve

2008-03-12T00:00:00.003+08:00

Finally, AI7 Top 12 is revealed.
Excited. In 11 weeks time, we get a new winner.
But American Idol is never about the winner.
It's all about the journey.
I have been pretty slow picking up my favorites this season unlike other seasons.
There are a few names that have been on my radar.
Some have impressed me more than the other.
So here's the order: (as of now)

1. David Cook - Amazingly talented. Understated. Subtle. Hope he gets far.

2. David Archuleta - Amazingly talented. Should stop with all the
giggling. But a lock for Final 2. Hope he doesn't screw up.

3. Jason Castro - Don't think much of his chances of winning. But he's the kind of singer/musician/artiste that I'll support.

4. Syesha Mercado - The black female representative for me. I love my soul sistas. =)

5. Brooke White - Just Like Jason Castro, she's the kind of singer/musician/artiste that I'll support.

6. Carly Smithson - Big voice. Not my cup of tea anymore, unlike previous years.

7. Michael Johns - Not as impressed as the weeks past. But I like that rock/soul thing that he has going.

8. Ramiele Mallubay - Big voice. Hope she doesn't turn out to be another Jasmine Trias. Cute though.

9. David Hernandez - Kinda boring for me. Has a good voice. Don't do anymore Celine/Whitney/Mariah/Barbra/any other female songs. Phuurrrrrleeease.

10. Amanda Overmyer - I love her. But I couldn't put my whole heart into someone who sings without much emotion.

11. Chekizie - Soul, R&B representative. Would have done well in previous seasons. But he lacked the charisma. He'll go soon.

12. Kristy Lee Cook - BORING as hell. The only good thing about her is that rendition of "Amazing Grace" during her first audition.

Who's your favorite? =)

Everyday I stay up at night.
Wishing......
... that someone with big black wings could take my hand.
And get me up into the sky.
To let me fall.

Befriending yourself...

2008-03-02T22:47:00.002+08:00

I think the idea that school is finally over has not sunken in just yet.
For many years, I've used "Student" to many of my advantages.
Being thrown into reality so sudden seems like a hell-hole.
For once, I'm actually afraid of what's coming for me.
Not many would understand the feeling of being alone.
Being alone doesn't equal to being lonely.
Not in a million years will I ever be lonely.
Because I choose not to be.
But the idea that the support, the backing that you once got so relentlessly,
Will be gone right from this very instance.
Is beyond anything else that I could ever take.
Suddenly, I'm so frightened.
So afraid that what is in store for me is not what I have expected.
So afraid that I would not be able to meet all the expectations.
So afraid that I've had the best care, yet become the most useless one.
So afraid that I would disappoint.
Sometimes, I just want to run away or rather run back.
Back to where I would feel most comfortable.
But that comfort zone is way beyond my limit now.
Because I chose to forsake it long ago.
Now I just have to suck it all up.
And finally act my age.

There's so much in my mind now.
It's crazy to even think how I did not just explode.
But hey if I were to explode,
I would have long ago.
Sometimes you just need yourself to keep your sanity.
"You'll never be lonely if you learn to befriend yourself".
We rely too much on others.
We thought we would never be able to survive without the existence of others.
But nobody would ever stop and realize how strong they really are.
How strong they could actually be.
We're all too comfortable with what we have.
With the existence of others around us.
We sometimes even take that for granted.
Yet, what's most important is to realize how much you could achieve by yourself.
Noone is confident enough all by themselves.
That is exactly what is lacking and missing in most of us.
Understand yourself. Befriend yourself.
Learn about yourself. Think for yourself.
And be yourself.

You're in my prayer.
If I could rush back for you now, I would.
You know how much I love you.
You know. Stay strong. Please.

.........

2008-02-26T01:46:00.001+08:00

so freaking stressed...!!
Losing....
Control....
............
Damn it! =X

It comes in a package.....

2008-02-23T23:57:00.005+08:00

We keep quiet for tons of different reasons.
We pretend we don't know for tons of different reasons.
As saying goes, it's best to keep things to ourselves.
And I guess many of us would have learned that lesson the hard way.
There are so many things out there that are so visible.
It would take more than an idiot to not notice.
Yet, it doesn't make anyone an idiot for not pointing it out.
Afterall, everyone has the human tendecy to look out for themselves.
And to protect themselves from anyone/anything that come slashing through.
It takes so much to pry me open.
Some managed to.
Yet not only to be fed with love.
But also the inevitable disappointments and distructions that seem to come as a package.

We will all realized our own weaknesses throughout life.
It makes it all so intriquing to not know what lies ahead of us.
Make a bold stride, even when you're at the point of vulnerability.
When you have no one else, there's always a sense of self that you should trust.
Another saying goes that human is an interactive being.
We survive by feeing of/interacting with each other.
I completely disagree.
As important as it is, a strong being is a lone being.
It's such a revelation that humans are connected in so many ways since the very first second they come into the world.
That alone is the biggest and worst committment any human being has to withstand.

I'm shattered in more ways that you could have ever imagined.
Yet.
=)

2 of my most favorite songs.
He's yet to impressed me in AI7!
But he's one heck of a singer when he was a kid.
Even Kelly Clarkson was impressed.

Idol Fever...

2008-02-21T00:09:00.002+08:00

I would love to wake up one day and realize how beautiful life could be.
As crazy as it may sound, no one would know how it tastes like if you don't go there.
I want to go there.
I want to be there.
It may take a lot more effort than I initially thought it to be.
But life's so unpredictable in that sense.
It takes a rocket scientist to be able to figure it.
Hey, even rocket scientist might dig an empty hole at the end of it.
So what make us think we could figure it out within the capacity of our brain?
So maybe we should stop worrying. Stop thinking. Stop trying to figure it out.
Life works in such a peculiar way.
You just go along with it with an open arm.
Or be left tasting the dust it left behind.

Sometimes we wish for many things.
Naively. Innocently.
Yet, wishes won't come true if we don't act on them.
It's a cold hard fact that has been slapping my face since day 1.
I know it. Yet why does it always been associated with me one way or another?
I'm not stubborn by any means. AT ALL.
I'm not one who chases what I want.
I go along. I ride along. I follow.
I've walked through so many phases of life.
It seems only appropriate to choose what I think would work for me.
Rather than what I really wanted.
I don't dream.
I don't hope.
I don't expect.
Yet I wish...
Wishing that I could finally do things at my own accord.
And need not have anyone to go back and report to.
Split. Double. Two.
It's just too freaking complicated.

Good Distraction: American Idol
Idol fever all over again.
American Idol has been an on and off event of the year for me.
I absolutely love Season 2, Season 3, Season 5.
I kinda like Season 1, Season 4.
Not really into Season 6.
And now it's the 7th season already?
WOW!
I don't have any favourites at this point of the competition yet.
But I could throw out names that I might support come Top 12.
Carly S. Kady M. David A. Michael J. Joanne. Jason C.

Tonight's Top 12 Guys Performances isn't all that fantastic.
Pretty disappointing. But Hey it's only the Top 24.
I'm sure there'll be great performances to come.
My Top 3 performances: David Archuleta, Jason Castro, Michael Johns.
OK performances: David Cook, Robbie Carrico, Colton Berry, David Hernandez.
Not Good Performances: David Noriega. Jason Yeager.
Awfully Dreadful performances: Chikezie, Garrett Haley, Luke Menard.
Tomorrow is the girls' turn.
And I expect great performances. =)
If you missed it:
Click Here

Maybe.... Just maybe....

2008-02-12T00:40:00.000+08:00

It takes so little to break the silence.
It’s so easy to let down my guard.
I could have easily succumbed to the things that I worked so hard to shield.
I can’t and I won’t.
If not, the struggle that I went through so willingly would be such a waste.
I can’t break that little stand that I made.
A stand that hopefully could end everything.
Be it a happy ending, or a sad one.
At this point, it doesn’t quite matter.
Because as far as I’m concerned,
There’s no point in continuing something that won’t work.
Such destruction will be unnecessary and painful at the same time.
But you made it so hard for me.
It’s so hard to just let it all go and think everything will be ok.
Because we know it won’t.
But we also know there’s no point in bringing it up again.
Because it’ll just be another cycle.
We are better than that.
I hope we are so much better than that.
If for once I ever come across as nonchalant,
Then I prove my point.
I succeeded.
Succeeded in shielding everything from you.
It’s not easy.
It’s never easy.
Nothing’s easy.
But it’s so easy to hate.
Hate takes away so much of the bliss.
Hate is the ultimate tool to move on.
I don’t hate.
But it’s so easy to instill hate into someone.

“The countless emotion flights that we’ve taken,
Had somewhat brought us this far.
Even if I were to lose grip of it someday.
At least we’ve once been there.
It made everything worthwhile.”
Maybe the moment is now.

Distraction for today:

Ignorance is always a bliss.
So forgetting all the current negativity around her.
This is her very first song. Her very first video.
The one that made me went ga-ga over.
The one that made me spent all my allowance over.
The one that made me crazy and flew to Hawaii for.
Such a good distraction.
=)

distractions that last for ....

2008-02-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

The past week gone by in a breeze.
Mainly because it was the last week of school.
The excitement behind it was overwhelming.
I am by far not the easiest and friendliest person in school.
And I know as much as I want to leave school so badly.
I know I'm going to miss it anyway.
The unexpected yet genuine friendship I get this semester.
Was not only shocking, yet overwhelming and heartening at the same time.
Makes me wonder what if I were able to open up a little earlier.
Maybe my life would have been a little more different.
But not dwelling on all the what ifs.
After all, I’m moving on.
Moving into a new phase of my life.
But of course that will have to wait till my 2 papers ended.
15 and 19 January 2008!

Movies have always been good distractions.
And I have watched a few the past few weeks.

Atonement
Amazing piece of work.
As simple as the storyline/plot is.
The settings, the costumes, the cinematography were simply breathtaking.
That green dress worn by Keira Knightley. WOW!
Simply gorgeous.
I think it is one of the most beautiful films I’ve watched in years.
Amazing direction and amazing performances all around.
Kudos to Keira Knightley and James McAvoy.
But I think the stars of the show are definitely the 3 ladies playing Brioni Tallis.
Saoirse Ronan. Romola Garai. Vanessa Redgrave.
Although Saoirse Ronan is nominated for the Oscar.
My favourite performance was from Romolo Garai.
That face of horror when she found out the tragedy she has caused.
The big mistake she had created.
She embodied everything about Brioni Tallis.
Who is naïve, self-centered, coming of age.

Juno
A light comedy, yet extremely heartfelt at the same time.
As much as critics have been praising Ellen Page’s performance.
I tried so hard not to buy into it.
Firstly, she played Kitty Pride. (So childish of me)
Secondly, although critically praised in “Hard Candy”.
I thought her performance was forced and over the top.
But with this, there’s no denying in her talent.
Plot centers on teen pregnancy and coming of age story.
So it’s not those complex and compelling story that I love.
Yet it rubbed me the right way.
Special mention to Jennifer Garner who have never been this good before.
And of course Allison Janney.
Who has always been amazing, especially in “Hairspray” earlier this year.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.
A beloved musical based on the legendary Stephen Soedheim.
Brought to life from my all time favourite duo – Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.
There is a certain dark beauty and murderous passion in the movie.
Johnny Depp comes on so strong onto screen.
It almost feels as though he lives and breathes in all of us.
That demon inside us that is ready to jump out and haunt everyone else.
It is such a delight to watch the amazing art direction of this movie.
That last scene where Sweeney Todd’s blood dripped all over his wife’s face.
It was one of the most powerful scene I’ve seen in any ‘till death do us part’ movie.
It feels as though all these bright red blood connects all these characters together.
Ties them together in such an odd, quirky and dark way that it’s so hard to explain.
As much as I love this film.
The excessive singing does take a hard time to swallow.
Adding to the fact that Helene Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp’s voices lack the emotional depth that I expect.
I’m utterly surprised by ~~Professor Snap~~. Oops, I meant Alan Rickman.
He had the best voice among all the casts.
Wow.

Such a long post.
I’m sure no one would even read it to this part.
Like I said movies are such distractions.
They help me get away with things far easier.
After all, we watched movies to escape from realism.
Yet, reality is the only that is not letting me go.
It grabs me by the hand so hard that I got to cling onto it.
Just so I won’t drown.

Like you’ve said before,
It’s all words, isn’t it?
Because unless you’re not aware,
I’m always here with arms wide open.
To punched. To be shouted at. To be rejected.
To be embraced. To be accepted.

Funkamania 2008

2008-01-28T05:15:00.000+08:00

Supposed to finish my Regional Cinema term paper.
But my mind's block now.
So just thought of taking a breather.
Although I know I can't afford it.
Cos I'm only at 300 words.
And that's not even 1/4 done.
OMG! But then, I still want to blog.
Because if I don't,
I know I will be too lazy to even blog about today next time.
It seems like a must or a routine.
To write a post thanking everyone every single time a 'huge' event occurs.
This is no exception.
For me at least.

Funkamania 2008 is finally over.
Happy that it's finally over.
Which means I am allowed some time off.
To rest.
To focus on my final HOURS of school, etc.
I'm satisfied with what we've achieved as a club and as a group.
To E'Dee Vance.
I'm happy with the little moments that we've had.
I'm grateful for all the concerns given.
I'm proud for all the hardwork we've put in.
I'm esthatic to be able to dance with all of you.

DJ Ken.
Still one of the best male dancers out there that I admire.
Thanks for everything. Thanks for the support.
Thanks for encouragment.
It has always been a privilege dancing with you.

YuXin.
the tenacity, the power, the intensity.
You're awesome.
I'm glad to be dancing with you.

JJ.
Thank you for always being the one encouraging us.
Thank you for always being the one who knows what to do everytime.
Dancing with you is always fun and enjoyable.
Thanks.

Bec.
Mary J Partner. =)
Still as powerful and energetic.
Thanks for always being the reponsible one.
Thanks for always being the systematic one.

Jaei.
Thanks for all the reminders.
Thanks for all the concern.
Thanks for everything that I ought to thank you for.
I appreciate every support, every push and every encouragement.

JiaJun.
Thanks for being the 'joker'.
Thanks for being the stress-relief.
Thanks for being the info-relayer.
Thanks for the mix.
But no thanks for all your farts. Lol.

Nicole.
Thanks for the support, concerns and encouragement.
Thanks for the sudden burst of uproarious laughters.
Thanks for all those amazing art works.
Thanks for the patience, the resilience.

It's been a privilege dancing with all of you.
I'm looking forward to our next dance together again.

Congrats to SOC.
You guys are first in my heart.
Ter.Cmt.Xiang.Chao.Glen.BJon.Ronnie.
Awesome choreography. And awesome presence in the finals.
Totally loving it.

AND CONGRATS TERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally deserving, dude.
You are so talented I'm sure you could even shit from your mouth.
Lol. Sorry. That's lame.
But seriously, you are an amazing dancer, choreographer, performer.
It's always a joy watching you dance, seeing you come up with all those crazy and amazing choreos.
=)

AND CONGRATS ALLEGRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally deserving.
I'm sooooo freaking happy for you.
I'm sooooo freaking proud of you.
FINALLY, A BEST FEMALE DANCER FOR NRA!
You're an amazing dancer whom I've always looked up to.
And will always be my one of my fav dancers out there.
=)

To FBeatx:
Allegra.WQ.Von.PY.Mae.Deline.Yen.
You guys are awesome.
And you know that, do does everyone else.

To Wicked Tempo:
Alex.Ore.Vicks.Alfred.Rahimah.XiangTian.Jen.
The coolest group I've seen. Ever.
Awesome energy.

To Static Flow:
Firstly, I want your cap. LOL.
Ling.Xian.Minz.Farid.Alex.YuSheng.XueJin.
You guys did great.
"Concentrate. Concentrate".
It's stuck in my head now.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. =P

And a quick shout out to all the other NRA teams:
Revoc, Phunky Chemistry, OnBit, Mystic Rouge, Shuffle V.
=)

LASTLY, thanks ANN!
Just thanks for EVERYTHING!
And I seriously mean everything.
And all others who have been showering with so much encouragement.
=)

Wohooo.
I'm done. Finally.
Back to my term paper.
Bye.

2008-01-25T14:17:00.000+08:00

With everything that has been happening all around me.
I'm glad I'm able to stand up and fight on.
3 more weeks before school is finally over for me.
And I can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future.
Good or bad.
I've learned to embrace everything and anything.
I've learned to not think so much.
I've learned to let things go.
I've learned to not be self-centered.
I've learned to think for others.
Whatever I've learned,
I managed to just live my life.
A life of no importance, yet serve its purpose.

Knowing how life is so vulnerable.
It hits me when I heard news of the death of Heath Ledger.
Yes, he's a freaking celebrity.
Yet these celebrities are perfect examples of how life could go awfully wrong.
How such tragic could happen to everyone and anyone.
The more recognized you are.
The more high up the ranking you are.
The further you'll fall.
The more impact would be your downfall.
I guess living alone has taught me to not depend on anyone.
At time, I very much would love to have someone there for me to hang on to.
But the more hanging on to that I long for, the more disappointments I would get.
And now, I'm extremely disappointed.
With myself.

Thanks for everyone who was genuinely concern.
Thanks for all the support.
And the words of encouragement.
I totally appreciate it.
I hope I could hang on till this Sunday.
My apologies to E'Dee Vance for not putting in enough.
Disappointed with myself over tons of things.
And extremely grateful with the amount of support you guys have given me.
Thanks. Let's all work hard together for the finals.
Good luck everyone.

Have you ever asked yourself if you're satisfied with how life is going?
Life doesn't come easy.
So grab your satisfaction.
Don't let it slip by.
It's all over for me.
So don't repeat my mistake.

It's too late for me.
to say/do what I want to.

R.I.P HEATH LEDGER

Welcoming a new year;... with open arms

2008-01-01T23:37:00.000+08:00

2007 went by faster than I could ever imagine.
It was an odd year for me.
Yet an eye opener.
I maybe 22, but like many have said before.
There are a first time to everything.
2007 allows me to explore myself more than I ever could.
The test of love beyond blood.
The test of relationship.
The test of friendship.
The test of everything and anything that's worthy of noting.
Nothing much was achieved in 2007, just like previous years.
Yet there's a sense of satisfaction to be had.
2007 isn't my best and my proudest year.
But it's still another chapter of my life.
Look pass it and focus on what's to come.
I blame myself on a lot of things.
And I don't blame anyone on most of the things.
Simply because life's more than just me.
There are bigger things in the world right now than just me.
I'm sastisfied with this chaper of my life.
Breaking down 2007 would be a long process.
So for those amazing people who play a part in my life in 2007.
You guys will always be in my heart. Always.
Thanks for everything.

2008 would be no different. I assume.
I hope for better things. As always.
Yet what better things are out there for me to explore?
The feeling of alienation was far more painful.
Than any of the self-inflicted pain.
But I'm grateful for whatever relationships that I have left.
The family ties that I have left.
The friendship that I have left.
Those are what keeps me going.
Going to a place which I never though I could ever reach.
Will I reach it everntually?
It doesn't matter.
Cos life's unpredictable.
That's why it's so exciting, heartbreaking and confusing.
2008, I welcome you with everything that I have.

So to end this of.
Thank you.
Thank you to anyone and everyone who have always been there for me.
Ann. Ryan.
Py. Von. WQ. Ter. Cmt. Xiang. Bec. JJ. Xin.
Daph. Yen. Ariel. Ling. Su. Yattie. Allegra. Deline.
Ken. Bjon. Glen. Chao. XF.
Thank you to those who secretly/always wishes me the best.
Ish. Dar. Jo. Phyoe. Lyd. JQ.
Loo. Boon. Josh. Barry. Rini. Lissa. Steph. Eileen.
Thank you to my family and everyone else that matters.
All the greetings, the blessings will always be here in my heart.
And it's something that I would never ever forget.
I love everyone who matters to me.
I love everyone who loves me.
I love everyone who might not give a fuck, yet still do.
Lastly.
Sorry for everything.
Because I don't deserve all these.

From all the childishing and unexplainable rants.
To all the mishaps, misundertsandings.
You are the heart and soul of my 2007.
All the memories lingers in my heart.
It will stay there for as long as I want it to be.
Thank you for being such a special someone in my heart.
No matter what we have become.
You'll always have a place in my heart. Always.
Because no one could have make such an impact on me.
I'm blessed. Happy. Honored. Extremely.
To have had you in my life once before.

So here comes another chapter....

Two of my greatest inspirations...

2007-12-30T22:50:00.000+08:00

Tell me.
How can these two not be my greatest inspirations?
They are both so amazing.
What a performance.
Watched it over and over again.
Beautiful dance.
Beautiful song.
Simple beautiful.
How can anyone not want to dance?

pain doesn't mean anything to me.....at all

2007-12-28T01:10:00.000+08:00

So much happened, so little time to process.
So much to say, so little time to express.
So much supression, so little time of letting go.
So much internal thoughts, so little time to share.
Who in their right mind will lie to a family member?
Who in their right mind will tell off a sister?
Who in their right mind will denounce being siblings?
I may not mean what I said entirely.
But what I said was half of what I meant.
It hurts even up to now, to see what I typed.
And what you typed.
I just need my time to prove of what I'm capable of.
You just need my these time to realize what I'm going for.
Nobody in their right mind will gain happiness over another's agony.
Only an extremely sick/unsound/evil person might.
Let alone your own family members.
It's ridiculous to even have such a thought.
Saying it, makes it worse by ten fold.
I can ignore it. I can even try to forget.
Yet......

Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
I try not to let it bother me.
I try so damn fucking hard.
But I can't.
So I'll just leave it as it is.
If this is what it's meant to be, then it is what it should be.
Regret is a part of me.
So I can carry it off my shoulder.
And lift it for the rest of my life.
The look of your face.
The nonchalant expression.
Is eating into every part of me.
That any pain inflicted in me means nothing to me.
At all.
But all these are merely words, isn't it?

But it's the festive season.
Focus on the positive.
I have to to keep my sanity.
Christmas is over, but the mood's still around.
A new year is approaching.
For someone who lives by regret, this is the time to 'move on'.
Or 'pile on'.
Another year. Another me. Another story.
Hope......

Found....

2007-12-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to do my Beat Sheet Assignment for StudioPro.
But I am not.
Well. Trying to. Not making much effort though.
Grrrr....
But i was super excited.
Cos Britney's new full length vid "Piece of Me" is finall out.
And SHE'S BACK BITCHES! Finally!
Even a fan, I can't deny that "Gimme More" vid was crap.
I'm glad this is a much better vid.
Nowhere as fantastic as her previous vids.
But amidst all the drama in her life.
This is the best thing that has come out of her in a LONG time.
Besides "Blackout" which is a wait worthy album.
So super YAY!
I can't find anywhere that I can embed the vid onto my blog.
When I find it, I will.
In the mean time, don't be lazy.
but click on the link.
Piece of Me Video
=)

It's funny how things turn out well when it's least expected.
I'm glad. I'm grateful.
Although I'm surprised. I'm shocked.
How could I have such an impact when there's virtually nothing there for me or you to grab onto.
It's weird.
Maybe I should finally admit that I'm 22 and I'm old.
Maybe I'm moving on to being the previous generation.
Let it all go.
There's nothing that I could offer that could satisfy you.

Going to be extremely busy.
With performances around the corner.
Funka coming up.
The Last phase of my last semester.
With the countless of crazy projects going on.
I'm gonna go at it full on.
And leave nothing behind.
After all, I have been ready to move on since the start of this sem.

Maybe. Just maybe.
This is what has been planned out for me all along.
If it is, I'm glad it found me.
Or rather I found it.
=)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

2007-12-11T17:39:00.001+08:00

Firstly.
Congrats Rough Addicts!!!!!
Bec, JJ, Yen, Ling, Xian, Joyce, Minz.
You guys are awesome.
4th placing and that much deserved best costume since Suntec.
LOL.... Ling must be sooo happy. =P
On the side note, YUXIN!!!!!!!!!!
You're dope!!!
Omg! I'm envious. Lol. =)
Way to go all of you.

Secondly to Daphne.
Congratulations on your album launch.
Finally, a solo record.

We're all proud of you.
You're the first friend I know who has an album in the market. LOL.
I'm super duper happy. =)
And Don't think of other stuffs.
Just focus on what's in front of you.
I'm sure you'll achieve everything that you want to achieve.
Once again, congrats!

Finally.
a few more days to break.
So Yay.
Although there won't be much of a break.
With AFP2 casting, location scouting, preprodution paperwork.
And Funka trainings and NRA performances.
Busy Busy Busy Busy.
=)

Losing Sight of....

2007-12-09T23:38:00.000+08:00

Life is like a rollercoaster.
It goes up and down.
And it may never end.
A person can be completely happy and still have the hardest troubles.
A person can be completely upset and yet there are absolutely nothing wrong.
When it comes down to it.
We are only human, we all make mistakes,
We all experience the same kind of things.
In life we will always be given choices, chances, many opportunities.
All of these being good and bad.
Nothing's Guaranteed, nothing's for sure.
Except that one day we will die.
When a person can learn to enjoy the bad and accept the hardships life hands them.
Then a person can find true happiness and know what life is all about.
When a person can feel completely dead.
Then turn it around to feeling completely alive.
Nothing can get in your way.
Perhaps it takes someone losing something to figure it all out.
But you have to keep going.
Or you're letting evil take over who you are and what you could be.

Because this rollercoaster of life may never end.
Take each day as if it was your last opportunity.
The last opportunity to do everything you want and need to do.
Enjoy every moment for what it is and nothing less.
It's when we lose sight of what life is truly about.
That we start losing sight of what we really are.
What are we meant to be alive for.

We all need the bad times or there'd be no good times.
A person wouldn't enjoy them if they didnt know what sorrow felt like.

I love you. We all do.
So don't give up.
There's no place left in my heart.
To accomodate the pain that will be inflicted on me with your departure.
Maybe I'm meant to be left in solitary.

Quick and boring, yet a pretty long update.

2007-11-29T01:19:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since I last blogged.
And the main reason is that I'm never home.
My AFP shoot was over.
And now my MOS shoot will be this weekend.
One more week before 3 weeks of breaks.
After the break,
2 more filmings within 6 to 7 weeks.
And I'm done with this semester.
In fact, I'm done with School.
Can't wait.

Don't feel like writing much.
Cos I'm super sick.
It's been 5 days.
Damn it.
Fever, Cough, Flu, Sorethroat.
=/

So I shall update soon.
But before that. A few more things.

1) Go watch "Enchanted".
It's been a long time since Walt Disney come out with a great film.
Pirates not included.
"Enchanted" is what was used to be Walt Disney classics.
And Amy Adams are simply stunning.

2) My second sister recently just got engaged.
But I wasn't there for the ceremony.
Felt kinda bad. B
ut I won't miss her wedding for anything in the world.
Which is pretty soon. June 2008. =)

I think that's about it for now.
Shall update soon.
=)

Loud & Clear

2007-11-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Can you hear it?

Running away WAS the option...

2007-11-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

Escape.
Hide.
Disappear.
Pretend.
It still aches.
How could it go on without pretending.
How could it go on without being a fake.
It still hurts.
Pretend.
Disappear.
Hide.
Escape.
I've reached my limit.
It's all a cycle.
I'm a coward.
But most importantly,
Smile.
Just smile.
=)
I can't even treasure the most precious person in my life right now.

Satisfaction doesn't come easy....

2007-11-09T01:56:00.000+08:00

Met up with the guys.
Although they're all still mostly what they were back then.
But damn.... they just kept going on about their NS life.
Lol. Well, some stories are actually really funny.
Yet, they just make themselves sound like they're 45.
And I'm suppose to be the older one.
People always say NS will make you a man.
Maybe. But an old soul sounds more like it.
Unless of course you stay out of NS life once you're out.
But it's tough, isn't it.
And I know so many who would kill to be in my position.
But too bad guys.
Enjoy your NS for as long as it requires you to be.
We shall come back into the real world once you're out.
Maybe then we have something more in common to talk about.
A great laugh though. =)

School been keeping me busy, busy, busy.
But right now, I kinda appreciate this lack of free time.
Although, home has been like my peaceful sanctuary for the past 2 weeks.
It won't be long before I break free again I suppose.
So for those of you out there, you know what to do.
D------A------------R-----------I--------U---------S!

Been quite disappointed with the progress.
All I could do is to just go for it.
And do my best.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
Nothing would stop me from going forward.
Not when I'm at a state that I am in right now.

It's been almost one and a half year,
but I can finally tell Ish confidently that:
I'm living a life that I want and not what I think others want me to.
So with that, I'm satisfied.

Thanks Dad.

For You...

2007-11-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

Everyone has their own love story.
A story that digs deep in their heart.
That would have 'scarred' them forever.
Simply because...
These stories are the one that are always flawed.
They are the one that end with tragedy.
They are the one that instil the greatest amount of emotion.
They are the one that bleed, that hurt, that cry.

I don't remember the first time I met you.
I don't even remember the first time I talked to you.
But what I remembered was worthwhile.
Never would I have thought I would feel what I felt.
Never would I have thought I would meet whom I met.
Never would I have thought I would change.
The memories linger.
The moments stay.
And the heart experiences.
The very same heart that has been hardened over the years.
As flawed as one can be,
the heart opens and imprinted someone special.
To be branded.
To be remembered for life.
But it all comes a little too late.
Regrets. Disappointment.
But those are negative.
And I have enough negative in my life.
It's time to throw it away.
It's time to put the character.
The personality. The reputation.
The template. The ego.
It's time for all of those to be left aside.
It's time to let everyone realize.
That I can love.
That love has never really abandoned me at all.
You made me realize it.
To realize love (just a word to many).
To realize my heart could be pounded just like everyone else's.

So my story came, finally.
After all these years of escalating.
It came with such oddity.
Yet who says love stories always need to have a happy ending?
With so much flaws. With so much uncertainty.
You are/were/will be my greatest love story.
The story that will never happen if it comes a little earlier.
So a choice between the greatest love story and the relationship.
I'm glad mine came.
Althoug it brought so much pain.
So much tears.
So much scars.
The experience of knowing that my heart could actually love somebody.
Would be the greatest thing you've ever did to me.

I'm ready to face the world with love.
I'm ready to spend my entire life with love.
Moving on is a part and parcel of life.
A life that I've decided to be a part of.
The three letter words seem redundant.
Because my heart says, it's beyond...
It's beyond...
Beyond....
......

Until then......

2007-10-30T02:32:00.000+08:00

Liars.
Everything is a facade.
Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies.
Why is it so hard?
Sometimes we give up,
Not because we think it's not worth it anymore.
But we give up simply because it's time.
It's the right time to just move on.
But isn't everything suppose to be just a facade?
Am I such a difficult person?
Maybe I am.
Maybe because everyone finds a more comfortable place to be.
A place without my existence that could lighten their load.
Maybe afterall, I've never been important.
But I'm happy. For them.
I am extremely disappointed with myself more than anyone else.
I'm upset. I'm sad.
Yet I'm glad to say that I can force myself to look pass it.
And for the first time in my life, I could actually be proud of it.
I'm happy.
Or maybe I'm not happy.
Happy is not the right word to describe me right now.
But I think I've finally starting to find myself.
To look at things at a brighter angle.
I'm finally maturing at the right path.

But I think my life is not all gloomy anymore.
I caught up with long lost friends.
I managed to see the importance of others on me.
And vice versa which of I'm extremely grateful for.
Maybe when I can finally look pass the negative.
And focus on the positive.
Only then, I could truly say I'm happy.
And for the first time in my life again,
I could truly say there's a meaning to life.
To my life, at least.

Until then......

Random Updates - Part 2 -

2007-10-20T03:05:00.000+08:00

A week of school has passed.
Projects after projects after projects.
I had presentations starting from next week.
I have to come up with scripts asap.
But haven't had any insipirations for quite some time now.
Damnit.
The last semester.
I want to go through it as smoothly as possible.
I don't want any hick-up.
So I guess I have to really focus, focus and focus.

Been busy with Overdrive rehearsals.
Actually I just came back from the master class and rehearsal.
The master class was pretty interesting.
Seeing so many dancers in Singapore who are up there in the industry,
is quite an experience.
And learning choreography from a choreographer from the States,
is also quite an experience.
I enjoyed the class.
Discover a few things about myself, others and dance in general.
Marty Kudelta is awesome.
His two other dancers: Nick and Eddie are awesome as well.
I totally dig Nick's styles.
He has such a strong presence and charisma on stage.
You would never ever allow your eyes to wonder around.
I'm totally impressed.
The talking session with the 3 of them was pretty interesting as well.
Getting to hear "words of wisdom" from people who have been in the dancing industry for years, who are so experienced was fantastic.
It totally open me up.
I may not have found my own identity just yet.
But I'm proud to say I'm working towards it and I'm getting there.
How long would I take.
It totally depends.
Like Ryan told me, if I want it so badly, I will get it.
And I totally appreciate all these trust that I have been receiving for the past 2 and a half years of my dancing life, especially from Ann and Ryan.
And now I can't wait to see where dance will take me to.
And I can't wait to go really go for it. =)

Tomorrow... Actually later at night is the performance for Overdrive.
Had quite a few rehearsals.
Feeling a little less nervous.
More comfortable with the choreography and the overall performance.
And I'm so glad I get to this.
And doing it with these people whom I totally think are deserving of my salute.
Ryan, Daniel, Gin and AnAn.
I'll do my best.
And hoping for the best.
Wishing myself goodluck.
=)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've said what I want to say.
I've done what I have been wanting to do.
Glad I did what I did.
Glad you enjoyed what I did.
Everything else is redundant.
Cos for quite some time now, I am able to say.
"I'm happy!"
I can never lose you.

Random Updates - Part 1 -

2007-10-11T01:44:00.000+08:00

So this is officially the last week of holiday.
And I think Py's right.
Cos been away for about 9 months.
With 2 months break, 5 months of attachment, 2 more months break.
So I think it'll really be pretty tough getting used to.
Furthermore, my time-table is quite screwed up.
I won't even go there.
But I have Friday off.
So yay for my 3 days weekend.
I don't dread this semester as much as I did with the previous few.
I guess I know this would be my last.
And there's always a saying: "Get it over and done with."
And that's exactly what I intend to do.

Next 2 weeks would be pretty hectic for me.
As Ter has already clearly discuss about the show.
That shakala thing that we are doing.
And I have Overdrive as well.
And it's pretty intense actually.
We have exactly 9 days to go before the party on 20th.
And most to most we are going to have 3 other rehearsals.
The choreo is crazy.
And only 5 of us are dancing.
And people are actually paying 48 bucks for the party.
Imagine the disappointment.
But I'll try my best. I suppose.
I'm actually a little more scared of the master class.
That would officially be...
Well supposed to be my first dance class outside NRA.
But now it's my second.
And Marty Kudelta.
Though I haven't really watched him dance before.
I'm sure he's this sick-ass choreographer from the States.
And Imagine taking dance classes with Ryan, Gin and tons of other experienced dancers.
But I'm glad that I was asked to go for it.
And to be a part of the party.
So double yay for me.

Mind's actually racing right now.
But I have to shut it off.
I have too many things to focus on currently.
I can't afford to lose it.
I have to stay in focus.
For the next 2 weeks at least.
Lucky I have been working and dancing amidst all my rehearsals.
And been sleeping for at most 4-5 hrs every night.
Need to reschedule my body clock for school starting next week.

Since this is supposed to be random posts.
These are some pics from Rini's birthday celebration.
Haven't been posting pics in a long time. =P

The Birthday Girl.

The gang.

Lastly, Me! :)

Alright. I'm done.
Bye everyone.

It Always Takes Two

2007-10-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

It always takes two.
In tragedies. In breakups. In fights. In quarrells.
There are no right or wrong.
We could sympathize with one more than the other.
We could support one more than other.
But are the one whom we support, we sympathize not the 'evil' one?
We, human beings, are clouded with so much flaws.
So much insecurities to really see people as who they really are.
We would never be able to see through a genuine heart,.
We would never be able to sense a genuine sincerity.
Simply because we are so caught up in our own judgement.
In our own perception.
But that's how we all are.
There's nothing that could be done to change it.
Maybe it could be prevented.
But it takes one hell of an effort to change something within someone.

Take a chance with this life.
Put an offer on the table.
If it gets snatched.
Take the direction it pulls you in.
Don't give up.
Don't give in.
Follow your heart.
Follow your dreams.
Reach your goals.
Take a risk with your options.
Stand in the middle,
And go with what feels right.
Only then, do you have an answer.
The answer to where you are supposed to go with life.
And don't back out.
Take the path with confidence,
And know where you are headed is where you are meant to be.
Don't ever doubt it.
Don't ever question it.
Maybe everything will turn out brighter if we were to follow blindly.
Going along with what life would and could give us.
If only....

Hidden messages are meant for someone, whom we want to read, to read because we know they would. Yet, if they were to understand someone more than they should, they would know that hidden messages are not the important ones. It's always the one shown are what's important. That's if you understand me enough. That's if you could read between my lines, my thoughts and my mind. Sadly, I'm always the only one caught between my own lines, thoughts and mind.

Must-See Movie #1 - Elizabeth: The Golden Age

2007-09-30T02:21:00.000+08:00

Elizabeth: The Golden Age

Definitely my most anticipated movie of the year.
I love the first movie.
Which I thought deserve much more recognitions that it did.
Cate Blanchett is probably my favourite actress right now.
And one of the best actresses as well.
She has been in so many great films that I totally love.
The trailer is amazing.
Make me so hyped up for the movie.

Living with Pretense

2007-09-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

Inside this isolated heart,
I built up dak solid walls.
Chained my mind into believing,
That there was nothing more to feel.
I locked all exits.
And burried myself in a death hole I had dug.
Inside this isolated heart,
My emotions was torn apart.

I stand alone,
In the world of confusion.
Pulling me in all directions.
Tugging at every emotion.
I stand strong,
Though I am weakened by memories.
Scratching at my mind,
Clawing from my insides.
I still stand alone,
In this world of bitter confusions,
Questioning why don't I have a family to run to?

And then I remembered.
Remembered those words that are supposedly going to change my life.
"One of the greatest feeling in life is the conviction,
that you have lived the life YOU wanted to live
- with the rough and the smooth, the good and the bad -
but yours, shaped by your own choices, and not someone else's."

Then I told myself.
Who would had expected this, but I.
Who would had predicted this, but I.
No one could understand.
Or see through the glass to another world, but me
No one could comprehend.
Or realize how much better life is, but me
What this has become is what I needed it to be.
And what this will grow into is simply everything.
I am but a mere reflection of what is and can be.
I am my own future within a single mind.
Here I stand and here I grow.
I continue to carry on.
To expect the unexpected.
To predict the unpredictable.
I understand this "new" world,
Because I truly appreciate how great this new life can be.
So who could have, but I.
And who else can see sunshine in this rain, but me.

who am i kidding?

what's there at the end of the road?

2007-09-21T17:48:00.000+08:00

There's a place that I know where everything is Ok.
Safe, Secure, Cherrished.
This place is also filled with emotion, friction, questions.
It seems to vanish.
but as it disappears, new one comes.

Theres a place that I know where anything is possible.
Goals, Dreams, Adventures.
This place is also filled with confusion, frustration, misunderstandings.
How can something be so simple?
Simplicity seems to become invisble.
But as they evaporate, new one grows in fear.
For i am searching...
and I dont know whether to run or face reality.
As this is what I have become.

Theres a place,
A place i belong.
I only wish I knew exactly where it was,
Instead of mere guessing.
I'm tired of taking chances and failing.
I'd like to win.
For once I don't want to feel abandoned,
left questioning or in solitude.
I need the answers handed to me.
And to feel fully alive.
If this is the place that I belong.
Why must it feel so hard to achieve?
I only wish i knew exactly how to get there.
And when I reach my end,
the pot of gold and jewels of blessings.
I'll know the pain I suffered was worth it
and the passion gained.

Will I ever reach there?

beware of the hypocrites.

2007-09-19T01:02:00.000+08:00

I can be the meanest person on Earth.
Everyone kinda knows that.
But sometimes I really don't give a shyt.
Simply because if anyone has enough guts to judge me.
Then I'm sure it means they have the purest of heart.
It really goes either way.
And It's fun to be mean sometimes, isn't it?
So here it goes.

1) BABIES SHOULD STAY AT HOME.
Don't get me wrong. I do have affection for babies.
Not in the paedophile way.
They're really cute.
But they're simply not ready to face the world just yet.
So don't bring them out, unless you really have to.
It's worse if you have to take public transport like MRT.
Because they just keep crying.
Because of the noises made by the moving train and the crowd.
As well as being surrounded by giants who still look aliens to them.
And forcing a pacifier up their little mouth to shut them up,
Is not a good parenting habit to have either.

2) KIDS WHO ARE OVERLY ACTIVE SHOULD STAY AT HOME TOO.
Again, I love kids. Some kids.
But of course I would have taken my shot gun.
And shoot those loud and noisy ones.
For parents who can't control their own kids.
They should just lock them up in a cage, like we do to dogs.

3)ONE PERSON ARE MEANT FOR JUST ONE SEAT.
I'm sorry for being 'fatist'.
I was once fat too. And I totally understand their feelings.
But if you are a two-seater person.
Then just sit in the middle of the two seats.
There is no point in trying to squeeze those humongous butt in one.
And leaving a few inches for another person to sit on.

4) PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO LEARN ON HOW TO USE THE URINAL.
Rule #1: Never look around when using the urinal.
Worse, if you tend to peep.
Rule #2: Don't do a forward and back motion with your hand,
in the middle of the action with your willy out.
Rule #3: Don't lift your shirt so high up to reveal your amazingly round and huge belly. There's gravity, people. Your urine won't shoot up onto your shirt. Unless of course you're doing some hand motion with your willy.
Rule #4: Don't unbuckle your belt and lower your pants to your knee to reveal your torn and tattered red underwear.
It's a sore in the eye.
Zips are invented for a reason.

I guess I really need all these distractions.
To keep me from going insane.
Letting go is harder than what I thought it would be.
There are so much more I could have given.

Try being mean.
Even if you have to pretend.
It's pretty fun.